Tag: self esteem

That Lake Is Me – Motivating myself to success

“Don’t you dare take the lazy way. It’s too easy to excuse yourself because of your ancestry. Don’t let me catch you doing it! Now — look close at me so you will remember. Whatever you do, it will be you who do.” – John Steinbeck, East of Eden 
Marg+S

No excuses anymore, no not for a moment, for who I am. Continuing on, pressing against a rush of water, the tide of public opinion and internal questions. I lift a weary hand to grab hold of the branches of promise jutting out of the banks at every turn, guardians to help in the unsure and trying times. Inch by painstaking inch I struggle through the cold waters, surrounded by banks of slippery self esteem. When I try to crawl out, I slide back quickly, if not for the holds I kicked in the mud, pats on the back, given only by me. I can see in the distance the calm lake, a haven of peace, where my mind is quiet from the shouts of the struggle. If I were closer, I would see the image of heaven reflected on that lake. That lake is confidence. That lake is freedom. That lake is me.

11122011

Angel, Part 12 – A Glimmer of Betrayal

We decided to meet again at a mutual friends house, and soon drowned our past in bottles of liquor, as was our custom. The party gave us enough publicity to dial in our emotions and be civil, at least for a moment. The night went smoothly, and our intoxication soon led to giggling and playing grab-ass for a couple of hours. The self-induced heaven I maintained was an amazing effort on my behalf, emotions in check, brain on hold. Of course, the sexual tension that always surrounded my Angel and I kept me going, “Hell”, I thought, “if nothing else I’m gonna get laid”. That seemed to get me through many nights with her, and, if I sorted them out then, I’d see what really was wrong with us. It’s entirely possible to live in my head, not checking the facts or figures or any reality whatsoever. But so goes this dance and regardless of logic and pain, which never added up to a positive, the door shut and in the darkness, our hands found each other. I breathed her in great gasping breaths, like a drowning man, breaking the surface a moment before unconsciousness. My hands ripped her shirt near off, her nails left tiny blood lines of passions anger. Our bodies moved so smoothly, wet with perspiration, sexual excitement, and hunger. As we satisfied our lusts with our fingers, our mouths, every part of our body became a playground, things that some considered taboo, seemed to possess us. Closing my eyes to the music, swaying with her sounds, wet and sighing sounds of desperation and passion. The light from the new day showed the results of our play. Clothes were everywhere, the mattresses separated and laid crosswise displaying the crumpled sheets and suggestive pillows and silken ties. That’s when I saw it, as she rode on top, driving herself on me with hard strokes of still drunk love, a glint swung from her neck, a glimmer of gold, a spark of diamond dancing just above my face. I’m sure she forgot she was wearing it, a symbol of her betrayal to me, a sign of success for her, his necklace pronouncing a conquest of my Angel. Yanked from passion, I couldn’t stop, I really couldn’t move, hypnotized by her sex, and violated by her betrayal. Oh dear God, my heart is stopping, I can bear no more, my mind drove itself to these newest depths of darkened morose pure and unadulterated pain. She saw it on my face, my tightened jaw, not from an orgasm, but, and she knew it quick, from that necklace. I could barely breathe, my throat dryly gasped out, “Why? Why would you wear that here with me?” But that was my Angel, that is who she is, no thoughts of anyone but her, no understanding of the repercussions of her curiosities. I was the fool. I made this whole thing up in my mind, I created the “us” from my own fantasies. She merely rode the ride, the ups and downs being a thrill of entertainment and nothing more. My reality, merely a fantasy, an old man wrapped in the make up and pretty things of her young world.

The End


Angel, Part 11 – The Fornication of Love

silvereyedgirl
I stayed away for more than a few days, days of torment made longer by the endless churning of thoughts and questions. I kept my phone on me all the time, slept with it near my head, staring at the black form until sleep overtook my reluctant eyes and mind. Every day or two, my waiting was granted a teasing reprieve, her text would come through with the ring I had set for only her, electronic signals that love was alive in me, but was it love? I didn’t really care by this point, in the pain, truth and lies fucked each other, perhaps like we did, and in an orgasmic cloud, a fertile ground for these games, love twisted with deformities of lust. The games turned quickly to survival, her bullets of jealousy, desire, and my insatiable desire for her ripped through me with startling accuracy. I sat in an almost trance-like state, even while I tried to work there was a shock, a numbness that was only shattered by her call or the stabs of jealousy that poked at my cavity of care and concern for her. I was helpless. Strong, intelligent, and utterly helpless before my Angel. No other force on earth could have brought me to my knees as quick as her magic body and moist mouth. No choices were left for me, I had to see her, I would see her. I could swallow my pain and calm my shattered mind, we could make it work. She really didn’t mean it, she was young and had been hurt before. There’s no way that she really meant to do this, right? I mean she really had to love me, it was an anomaly, a freak of nature that she let it go this far, I mean no one could be so twisted. I consoled myself into my own fragile and crazed comfort, I’d forgive her. I’d treat her better, be there more, make more money, put myself in harms way for her. Yes, that’s how I’d show her that it’s ok. I still wanted her, more than ever it seemed. The next call would bring us together again. Ahh, sweet relief as I gathered the entrails of my dreams and stuffed them back into this amazing thing I had with my Angel. Only, the tears kept coming, unexpectedly creeping up and running down my cheek as I swallowed hard with the acceptance of this new Angel. It probably was my fault anyway. 

Angel, Part 10 – The Hunt

billiefuckingpiper

I gathered the leftovers of my senses and with a hollow aching knot deep in my gut, stronger than any hunger, I went to edges of sanity and looked over. Putting all my tools in the trunk of the car and covering them with a tear-stained blanket, I drove slowly in the early morning, my only company were the frogs and katydid’s of the country, and softly falling rain. Parking a mile away, off the road and hidden from curious eyes, I crept just close enough to her house to see the driveway and laying down in the wet grass, stared at her front door until my eyes ached and head pounded with concentration. Who I should kill first? Imaginations of what was going on between them were thumbscrews of jealousy that tightened around my throat in an unflinching grip. Many questions; some of her, some of me, some of him, were just empty mirrors that reflected a violence behind my eyes. The rain was gentle, the pain was not, both soaking me, both making me cold. There I laid for hours, till the early light of day peeked over the trees. I grinned, even the sun shuddered at what was going to happen. Someone must have told her I knew because they never showed. Walking back to my car and tears came again at what I was becoming. Following my Angel cost me everything, I lost my way and lost my identity. What was I doing? The unknown circumstances and crazy love drove me mercilessly, and loves evil sibling, Jealousy, took me farther than I ever thought possible. I shook off the channeled spirits of murder from my soul, thanking God, not for lack of courage, but for lack of opportunity. My imaginations stoked the fires of wicked intentions, but now I’m confused, for love had calmed me enough to lust for her again. I didn’t care if she slept with them, as long as I could hold her and act out my fantasies on her, fucking her like they did. This is love, this is us, this is hell.

Angel, Part 10 – The Hunt

billiefuckingpiper

I gathered the leftovers of my senses and with a hollow aching knot deep in my gut, stronger than any hunger, I went to edges of sanity and looked over. Putting all my tools in the trunk of the car and covering them with a tear-stained blanket, I drove slowly in the early morning, my only company were the frogs and katydid’s of the country, and softly falling rain. Parking a mile away, off the road and hidden from curious eyes, I crept just close enough to her house to see the driveway and laying down in the wet grass, stared at her front door until my eyes ached and head pounded with concentration. Who I should kill first? Imaginations of what was going on between them were thumbscrews of jealousy that tightened around my throat in an unflinching grip. Many questions; some of her, some of me, some of him, were just empty mirrors that reflected a violence behind my eyes. The rain was gentle, the pain was not, both soaking me, both making me cold. There I laid for hours, till the early light of day peeked over the trees. I grinned, even the sun shuddered at what was going to happen. Someone must have told her I knew because they never showed. Walking back to my car and tears came again at what I was becoming. Following my Angel cost me everything, I lost my way and lost my identity. What was I doing? The unknown circumstances and crazy love drove me mercilessly, and loves evil sibling, Jealousy, took me farther than I ever thought possible. I shook off the channeled spirits of murder from my soul, thanking God, not for lack of courage, but for lack of opportunity. My imaginations stoked the fires of wicked intentions, but now I’m confused, for love had calmed me enough to lust for her again. I didn’t care if she slept with them, as long as I could hold her and act out my fantasies on her, fucking her like they did. This is love, this is us, this is hell.

Angel, Part 9 – The Call

billigibbons

The parties ended the same, taking the cash and getting drunk off our ass, then fucking each other raw till we passed out. Her body was young, firm and supple. She easily withstood the ravages of those long nights and trailer appointments in the hood. I’m a creature of habit, and, true to form, found my rhythm and performed flawlessly. Except for the little splits in my sanity, the little blackouts now and then. Was it because of stress? Alcohol? I really think my Angel is making me crazy. Love, damn the love that drives me, that won’t let me go, that keeps me tied to her. Shit, it didn’t matter, I barely had time to think about serious things, she kept me going and going. Isn’t this how the military breaks their prisoners? Lack of sleep, push, pain, push, pain, push. I knew I was coming apart, I knew what was happening to us. The paths that we walked down, never had a peaceful end. I kept going and going, never looking back, never having time too.
 
She wanted more. More money, more exposure to the life, more manipulation. This meant one thing inevitably whispered her name. Call girl. Which, has a legitimate sound, and like exotic dancing, is legit, but what she had in mind was to be paraded around, bought lovely things, be spoiled with attention, and then…to culminate the affair. Any woman would love that, but she wanted to make a business of it. In other words, a prostitute. I found this out, not by her telling me, breaking it to me easy like the private parties, but by soul wrecking surprise. I came to the club to drop off flowers, a spontaneous thing I did for her, my Angel. One of the girls met me at the door. She said that my Angel wasn’t there. She left with another guy. There it was, the brilliant crack of lightning as my mind and world shredded down the middle and splintered into a thousand self-destructive shards. Those shards hungered for more than my destruction. Oh no, I had more sinister intentions. Rage, mixed with betrayal, love and overwhelming curiosity to know all the facts. Perfect for creating a devil for my angel. I found the code to her voice mail (she still had the generic code set on it, go figure) and listened to the man arrange the date. I listened from the pay phone outside a little rat hole back city bar. It was dark, all the lights seemed yellow, dim, and barely holding their own. Leaning against the booth I replayed it over and over. Tears began, coursing down my cheeks in an angry, hurt mess. They would not be the last tears, nor would I be the the only one crying.

 

Angel Part 1 – The Lure

ning

The face of an angel. Papa always told me to beware of the woman who had the face of an angel. I’m not referring to natural beauty, but the innocent purity and helpless look that compels men to protect her, regardless of their logic. That’s how it was with her, an angel. I should have known better, my guard was down, my heart was broken, my mind was confused, all from going through a hell on earth known as divorce. I managed to find my solace, like so many others, at the local brewery, throwing down drink after drink in an attempt to drown myself or lose myself. I was at a low that only happens once in a lifetime, I lost everything, hell, I even lost my teeth to an unfortunate, “turn of events” known as getting my ass stomped. At that time, I figured, hell might as well lose these too, and spit them out at the feet my attacker, spitting out more than teeth, I spit out my self respect and self esteem. This is where she found me, a woman like that finds you, like a wolf finds a rabbit . I sat alone, a good drunk at the edge of the dance floor eyeballing the pretty young things, an old guy with no front teeth. I was as content as you could be, spending the last dime, on the last drink, and knowing I had nothing left to lose. I sat, unaware of the changes that were about to happen, and happen quickly, like lightning, and about as unexpected too. Turning up my beer to ease my pain, I lowered it satisfied, just as the angel approached. It was a line dance and the whole line of women were advancing like troops on the field, I sat giddy, like a kid in a candy store. But she, 18 years my junior, she stopped my whole world. Black tight pants with a gold belt that followed the curve of her waist and accentuated every not so subtle twist of her strut. She purposely stepped a little further than the rest of the line until she was directly in front of me. Me, a silly man, a deer in the headlights, eyes wide open, not knowing the wreck about to happen. Ignorance and lust, nothing like it to make a man sit stunned, a mark in every sense of the word, the angel, she knew she had me, she knew. That was it, she knew what she was going to do.

Also published in: Broowaha
12012011 

Angel, Part 8 – Drug of Depravity

annallese
I took her to the club the next evening and we walked out back to light up before I left. I stepped over popped balloons, looking at first glance, like a kids party gone wrong. My shrinking naivete was talking, but when one stuck to my foot that explained it all. That’s were she chose to tell me what her sinking mind was planning next: she wanted to do private parties. Mother fuck me hell of hells. How many levels of pain are there in following this broken Angel? My mind tumbled down the stairs of her attention driven wanderings. I supported her, God knows I wouldn’t want her alone with a bunch of drunk men, but for how long? She would introduce me as her “bodyguard” so her tips weren’t affected. If the customers knew she had a boyfriend there, their cash would stay in their pockets. So there it was, I’m downgraded, at least publicly to “someone who watches out for me” which is quite a bit different from “someone I’m in love with”. I learned a bit of self control after my explosion in the club and the hardness settled in nicely around my heart, like when it’s cold and I pull the blanket in close. But the blanket never seemed big enough and part of me was always feeling the cold breeze of greed and deprecation blown by her incessant curiosity and growing boldness.

She made the arrangements and scheduled her appearance at a party in, of all places, a trailer park. I shook my head in disbelief. A shitty trailer park? Why couldn’t she see the sick way her life was turning? I went, nervous and sweaty, shaking inside with fear and disbelief. Showing no emotion in my eyes, I awkwardly performed my tasks, playing her music and verbally acknowledging what was acceptable. Her eyes lit with childlike excitement as she played the role, her young body teasing the men to a dull frenzy. She turned and smiled at me, enjoying her power over them, over me. Something fucked up happened though, I felt turned on by this, seeing her in vulnerable positions, just short of following through. Guilt over my arousal, confusion over my new role, and a consuming love for her, brought the flames from the devil’s den to the door of my mind and fueled a fire that changed my desires forever. This is how it happens. How a man can slowly become the thing he hates by following a woman he loves. My appetites wet by this indecent exposure set me on a new collision course of right and wrong, love and lust, money and sex. Caught by my Angel, my innocence used against me, luring me away with knowledge of depravity, a drug of different sort. I tried to resist this descent, but my Angel, she swallowed the hook, the only question was, who held the line?

Hour Of The Wolf – Wrestling with 3 a.m.

“Have you ever heard of the hour of the wolf? My father told me about it. It’s the time between 3:00 and 4:00 in the morning. You can’t sleep, and all you can see is the troubles and the problems and the ways that your life should’ve gone but didn’t...The wolf and I are now on a first-name basis. In times like this, my father used to take one large glass of vodka before bed. To keep the wolf away, he said. And then he would take three very small drinks of vodka, just in case she had cubs while she was waiting outside. It doesn’t work.”

—Susan Ivanova

americanparkour – nate

We are old adversaries, 3 a.m. and I, from my youth we’ve struggled together. Many are the battles, endured, survived. Everything is clear with nowhere to hide from my thoughts, from my past, from my heart. Lying awake at 3, reality is raw, my thoughts accusing, blaming, vindictive. Who can stand alone with 3 a.m.? Hauntings begin, things I thought were dead, coming to life. Now I call out a battle cry against this loathsome time.

“3, you sought my life, mercilessly slaying my peace, wracking my soul with dread at having to face you, again, again, and again, always there. 
Come let’s wrestle again. I’ve survived this long, now I’ll be victorious over you.”  


(She walks behind me, wrapping me in her arms and laying her head against my shoulder, the warmth from her body, comforting.) 
 
“Come, let’s contend again. I’m smiling at you, not from a drunken stupor, a drug induced high, or a crazed insanity, but from a strength born of hope.  Come 3, come and try me again.” 

(I find myself smiling contentedly at my lover. Her soft smile shows me that I make her happy, but not nearly as happy as she has made me.) 

“Come loneliness, will you wrestle with me now in this early morning? Come pain, can we contend with each other now?” 

(She whispers her love in my ear) 

“Despair, you miserable ally of 3, you have held me captive so many times, now I challenge you, armed with peace and contented love, weapons procured from Jah, my heavenly father through my lover.” 

(She calls my name from the room, her sweet soft voice, inspiring me with feelings of fulfillment) 

“Be warned 3, my strength is not of this world, enabling me with full power to run through you. You shout your threats, saying you will win at the last, but, I have tenacity, born from battles innumerable, born from long nights of war, brutal conflicts, with you.”

(I go in to her, holding my lover close, smiling, the sun peeking through the windows, a witness to the victory)

I raise my hands, and call to my friends, “Take courage, you can win over this ancient nemesis! 3 a.m. need never threaten you again.”

Related Post: Nemesis – Stalked From My Youth
Also published in Broowaha

040511

Hour Of The Wolf – Wrestling with 3 a.m.

“Have you ever heard of the hour of the wolf? My father told me about it. It’s the time between 3:00 and 4:00 in the morning. You can’t sleep, and all you can see is the troubles and the problems and the ways that your life should’ve gone but didn’t...The wolf and I are now on a first-name basis. In times like this, my father used to take one large glass of vodka before bed. To keep the wolf away, he said. And then he would take three very small drinks of vodka, just in case she had cubs while she was waiting outside. It doesn’t work.”

—Susan Ivanova

americanparkour – nate

We are old adversaries, 3 a.m. and I, from my youth we’ve struggled together. Many are the battles, endured, survived. Everything is clear with nowhere to hide from my thoughts, from my past, from my heart. Lying awake at 3, reality is raw, my thoughts accusing, blaming, vindictive. Who can stand alone with 3 a.m.? Hauntings begin, things I thought were dead, coming to life. Now I call out a battle cry against this loathsome time.

“3, you sought my life, mercilessly slaying my peace, wracking my soul with dread at having to face you, again, again, and again, always there. 
Come let’s wrestle again. I’ve survived this long, now I’ll be victorious over you.”  


(She walks behind me, wrapping me in her arms and laying her head against my shoulder, the warmth from her body, comforting.) 
 
“Come, let’s contend again. I’m smiling at you, not from a drunken stupor, a drug induced high, or a crazed insanity, but from a strength born of hope.  Come 3, come and try me again.” 

(I find myself smiling contentedly at my lover. Her soft smile shows me that I make her happy, but not nearly as happy as she has made me.) 

“Come loneliness, will you wrestle with me now in this early morning? Come pain, can we contend with each other now?” 

(She whispers her love in my ear) 

“Despair, you miserable ally of 3, you have held me captive so many times, now I challenge you, armed with peace and contented love, weapons procured from Jah, my heavenly father through my lover.” 

(She calls my name from the room, her sweet soft voice, inspiring me with feelings of fulfillment) 

“Be warned 3, my strength is not of this world, enabling me with full power to run through you. You shout your threats, saying you will win at the last, but, I have tenacity, born from battles innumerable, born from long nights of war, brutal conflicts, with you.”

(I go in to her, holding my lover close, smiling, the sun peeking through the windows, a witness to the victory)

I raise my hands, and call to my friends, “Take courage, you can win over this ancient nemesis! 3 a.m. need never threaten you again.”

Related Post: Nemesis – Stalked From My Youth
Also published in Broowaha

040511