The Guise of Faith

“The easy confidence with which I know another man’s religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.” – Mark Twain

devil inside

lorelainw

Throwing the covers over my seething nature, I burrow beneath religion, hiding who I am. Pops said, “Religion is for the weak”, that may the case, but my reasons are that I’m fucking scared of who I really am. If my soul had a window, I’m sure there’d be a line to watch the horror show. Damn humanity, they love to watch insanity in action, paying millions of dollars to watch all kinds of degradation on the big screen and drooling, lonely, over their computer late at night. I’m sure people I know and haven’t known have stayed around only to see what kind up fucked up shit I’m gonna do or get into next. The guise of church and God is the ultimate facade. I really do believe in God, but I feel like I’m a fake when I act according to my faith, and almost feel like I’ve been duped when I “do good things” not because I want to, but because my beliefs tethered me into obedience. Being good is desirable, but only because I’m scared of whats inside me. I can honestly say that God is real to me and that I try to listen and obey, but (there’s always a but in religion) damn if I don’t feel like it’s a trick. I’m religious not out of love for God, but from fear of who I’ll be if I don’t “obey”. My soul is filled with many violent and revolting perversions, and most of my self destructive behavior comes through that realization. I don’t want to hurt anyone, to cause mayhem and destruction, I don’t want to be what I am. My detractors, the greatest of whom reside in my head, taunt me saying, “how can you write all these hope filled articles about God and His work in your life while being a whole different person inside. Your the ultimate hypocrite.”. It’ll be known when all things are known that my battles where never seen by humanity, and my greatest victory will be to go to the grave without fulfilling the deviant nature that claws at and through my robes of righteousness.

Alienation of a Soul –

“When you’re socially awkward, you’re isolated more than usual, and when you’re isolated more than usual, your creativity is less compromised by what has already been said and done. All your hope in life starts to depend on your craft, so you try to perfect it. One reason I stay isolated more than the average person is to keep my creativity as fierce as possible. Being the odd one out may have its temporary disadvantages, but more importantly, it has its permanent advantages.” ― Criss Jami, Killosophy
jeancon
I’ve lost it all, all my compassion, all my empathy, all my concern for the flip flop of dire humanity around me. I built my life around trying to “do the right thing” in personal relationships, with both the stranger and the wife, the friends and the foes. Right now, it doesn’t seem to matter in the least whether I was good or bad, made wrong choices or excellent decisions. It’s strangely exhilarating to, at least in theory, be done with everyone, like the chains have fallen off my mind. A very experienced convict told me that if I wanted to be bad all I had to do is get in touch with the hate in my heart. I’ve a lot of hate, but how to touch it was beyond me, being constrained by an itinerant love which I called God’s love. With this new advent of running empty of that supposed love, I find reason and wisdom calling for me to listen. After years of letting people run rampant through my gardens, I want to put up barbwire fences and sit with my armament waiting for these pests to dig under it. I don’t want to be bad per say, I just want to be free from the derision that comes with helping people and the struggle with being good to them. I still haven’t touched that hate, but losing touch with my empathy is leading me down a path that there may be no returning from. I don’t want to be concerned with anyone’s life or opinions outside of the one with me here and in spite of the responsibility I feel to take care of my significant other, that concern is suffering as well. All this is the fruit of leaving my first love, the God that reached down through the clouds of my deformation and showed me in a moment that His love is real and tangible. On bent knees I seek Him again to save me from myself, from my predetermination to propagate the horrors and injustices born against me.
*
”If you love them that love you, what credit is that to you?” – Luke 6:32
*
First published in Opinions of Eye

Nearly Broken

“You can break a thing, but you cannot always guide it afterward into the shape you want.” ― Holly Black, Tithe 
sin titulo
Time and times buffeted by
Winds that don’t rhyme
Till all in all I was
Nearly broken
Echoes of voices called me
Through the ripped joy
Delusions they found me
Nearly broken
Family gone and friends not found
Nor all that comforts
Abandoned and left for
Nearly broken
God knows my many feelings,
my crazy mind
He keeps me from being
Always broken

Trusting A Friend –

“But God doesn’t call us to be comfortable. He calls us to trust Him so completely that we are unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if He doesn’t come through.”
Francis Chan, Crazy Love: Overwhelmed by a Relentless God

 

lovepeacexxoo

Sunshine friends, there when the sun shines but when the weather changes for the worst, they leave. Good friends are there no matter what, they stick around, they support you, they give advice that may or may not be what you want to hear. Never giving up, the strength of their arms is there for whatever you need. I know one who meets these criteria whom I’ll call Big Daddy and who others call by many names, especially – “God”. I won’t give my trust to someone until I’ve seen them in action when the crap hits the fan. If I want to trust Big Daddy, by my own definition, I should wait to see him in action. In other words, how can I know God’s a provider unless I’m in a place of lack. How can I know God’s a protector unless I need to be defended. How can I know God’s a healer unless I need healing. These things I’ve described: lack, vulnerability, and sickness were initially viewed as such severe acts that I shouldn’t have to go through them, but if that were so, how can I ever trust, especially one who I cannot see?

Trouble in our lives is necessary if we’re to know the personality of God. Here’s where I’ve seen Big Daddy work in my life. When I was molested, he saved me from death. The rapist and the molester could have killed me. As for the mental scars, which are severe, God helps me to recover with patience and love during my midnight breakdowns. When I was attacked and feared for my life from both spiritual and physical situations, God intervened time and again and let me recover from physical and psychological pain. When I was heartbroken by lost love and betrayal of friends, God stepped in to provide direction and comfort. When I was destitute, by my own hand and by the hand of circumstances, Big Daddy provided food, clothing, and housing. How did all this occur? Some instances of His help are beyond explanation, and some came by the hands of others around me.
Why did he use other people instead of just stepping in and making this or that appear out of thin air? Because in the turmoil of life my heart will harden to loathe people and hate their company. This is contrary to the family life that God wants for us. He used other people to overcome the tendency to harden myself, isolate myself, and hurt people who had nothing to do with the original problem. It’s human nature to want vengeance and exact it however we see fit. It’s God’s nature to promote family and unity both with each other and with ourselves. The end of the thing is this, in my life I’ve experienced great pain and terror and this is my testimony: Big Daddy was always there, in the deepest, darkest, lowest depths to reach out and give me love, hope, and help. Let this be your experience as well, call on Him and He will help you. The help doesn’t always appear like you may think, but it works out for your best.
First Published in Opinions of Eye

Safe Harbor –

“Nothing external to you has any power over you.” 
Ralph Waldo Emerson
gbcomposer
The haven from which we draw peace is found not without but within. Circumstances change and environments produce storms, but if preparations are made in advance, the harbor’s climate is safe and steady. A harbor built before the hurricane provides a sure relief, but laboring to lay foundations in the pouring rain is frivolous. The place of refuge lays beyond the shores of feeling, away from circumstance. A master architect has drawn plans for this refuge and laid them open to all. Their hard to build, patience is needed, and much strength from beyond, but these are afforded to those who labor through dependence on the heavenly Father, a willing participant in building a safe harbor. When finished this will provide protection from the wailing winds and torrential rains of death, life, love, and circumstance. The first step in the process is an admission that help is needed and then an establishment of a relationship with the architect. Then follows conformation to His steps and a steady endurance to resist looking outward at the storms but inward to the work. There’s a peaceful place which provides an unchanging calm environment and it’s up to us to build it. Godspeed friend, there is much work to do here.
 First published in Opinionsofeye.com
 

Leap Of Faith –

“The foolish ask many questions the wise cannot answer” – Oscar Wilde
“Of the making of books there is no end, and much study leads to exhaustion.” 

 

Questions are a sign of intelligence and creativity that given the right environment, can lead to an endless, tortuous circle of reasoning. Why did that tragedy happen to me? Is God male or female? Will I know people after I die? These inquiries exhaust my mental and emotional energy, leaving me with no strength to push through the day at hand. Questioning my beliefs, my existence, my experience, is necessary, but I must lay down these pursuits and find a place of peaceful existence should my questions go unanswered. What follows is a leap of faith that eventually brings sense of well-being to my life. There I have to understand that I don’t understand, admit my finite power of mind, lay down my notepad, my calculator, my psychoanalysis, and find the peace that will guide me though the dark valley of the unknown.
 
Also published on Broowaha
First published in Opinionsofeye.com
12122011 

Spark Of Life – Your Touch –

“I’ve told you the four thunderstorms – disappointment, frustration, unfairness and isolation. You cannot avoid them, as like the monsoon they will come into your life at regular intervals. You just need to keep the raincoat handy to not let the spark die”
spacefairytales
Seen it come and seen it go, many days high, many days low.
Something about creating, lets me see.
Something about feeling it come over me,
Bringing a spark of life to everyday things.
 
Without your touch those words will die were they fell.
Without your touch those marks are lost in gray hell.
Without your touch those plans are hard to tell.
Bringing a spark of life to everyday things.
 
Seen it come and seen it go, many days high, many days low.
Something about creating, lets me see.
Something about feeling it come over me, 
Bringing a spark of life to everyday things.

First published in Opinionsofeye.com
 
01062011