Lost

“If you feel lost, disappointed, hesitant, or weak, return to yourself, to who you are, here and now and when you get there, you will discover yourself, like a lotus flower in full bloom, even in a muddy pond, beautiful and strong.”
Masaru Emoto, Secret Life of Water   

 

Lost
                                Ships wreck

Walking through the question marks
Where will I go in this dark?
With the light dimming behind
How will I go being blind?
Screaming in my head, holding the candle near
Where will I go from here?
The path is crooked with cliffs along the way
Fear says never to go but only to stay

When there’s no sight from lack of light there remains no assurance in the steps. My soul’s being torn between ravenous beasts manifested by my torment. Faith, will you save me now? Will you come on the white horse of sanity and redeem my soul? These wasps follow me, stinging me where ever I go. I can hear the buzz of their wings while I sleep. There’s no healing from the swelling injections filled with the puss of their rape. What parts of me have died or are dying? Why can’t I tell? I know that bricks are missing in my wall and deleterious eyes stare at me from the holes. With all of this hell raging in and around me, I call out, as we all do in the foxholes of life, “GOD HELP ME”! He will, but how, it escapes me, but when, it eludes me, and in this moment I hang to what I know from His dealings with me in the past. I know He’ll help me, I know He’ll come, I know I’ll survive and be stronger yet for the next wave of human devils and demon thoughts.

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Leap Of Faith –

“The foolish ask many questions the wise cannot answer” – Oscar Wilde
“Of the making of books there is no end, and much study leads to exhaustion.” 

 

Questions are a sign of intelligence and creativity that given the right environment, can lead to an endless, tortuous circle of reasoning. Why did that tragedy happen to me? Is God male or female? Will I know people after I die? These inquiries exhaust my mental and emotional energy, leaving me with no strength to push through the day at hand. Questioning my beliefs, my existence, my experience, is necessary, but I must lay down these pursuits and find a place of peaceful existence should my questions go unanswered. What follows is a leap of faith that eventually brings sense of well-being to my life. There I have to understand that I don’t understand, admit my finite power of mind, lay down my notepad, my calculator, my psychoanalysis, and find the peace that will guide me though the dark valley of the unknown.
 
Also published on Broowaha
First published in Opinionsofeye.com
12122011 

Questions –

“I want to say somewhere: I’ve tried to be forgiving. And yet. There were times in my life, whole years, when anger got the better of me. Ugliness turned me inside out. There was a certain satisfaction in bitterness. I courted it. It was standing outside, and I invited it in.”  ― Nicole Krauss, The History of Love 
summerswarrior
A vague feeling possesses my soul anonymously. Where does it come from? Does it brood in the dark waiting for a chance to squeeze through my door like a sneaky black cat darting between my legs for a chance to roam? Why would I want to sequester it like I need its undivided decision about who I am? I’m running around madly chasing the minuses of the life’s equation to herd them into a pen and shut the gate. This is hard work and I’m sweating profusely, no wonder I lived so long with them amok among my things. Why do I feel loyal enough to give them such a large field to run in? I thought myself to have won this battle but the little critters spawn like roaches and where I see one, it’s guaranteed that more hide in the shadows. Life is bored with complaints, it’s time for compliments to my soul. Like sour cream on a potato and lemon in the tea, the bitter makes the taste of life more palatable.
First published in Opinionsofeye.com

11 Things I Wish My Daughter To Know – Wisdom for my daughters –

Athena, Goddess Of Wisdom
1)  Hold your head high, you’re beautiful, every day, all the time. When a man asks you to change your appearance to be acceptable to him, walk away and be yourself. Develop your character inside. Beauty is deeper than an outward appearance.
2)  Respect yourself. In all you do and say, be a woman of class and honor. You will not get respect until you respect yourself.
3)  Follow your dreams, never let a relationship, whether it be friendship, or love, rob you of what you dream.
4)  Be independent, make sure of your own finances, health, and career. Always have a way of escape – financially, physically, and emotionally.
5)  Beware when you find yourself rescuing a man, whether financially or emotionally. They will use your motherly instincts to manipulate you and guilt to force your hand to provide for them.
6)  Every gift has a price, you may not see it at first, but it’s there. Don’t take lavish gifts from men, they will pressure you with it. Earn what you want on your own.
7)  When a man hits you, he WILL hit you again. You need to leave right away or know that you will get beat in the future. He will not change, you will suffer at his hand. There are no exceptions to this rule.
8)  Listen to your heart, when you feel something is wrong, something is. These are your gifts, empathy and insight.
9)  Precipitating a crisis to keep a man from leaving is a grave error. Getting pregnant, getting “sick”, using his secrets to threaten him, these will all backfire on you.
10)  Pick the things you will and won’t deal with. Every man will have some quality that will drive you crazy, a fault that may or may not be forgivable. Choose what faults you will or won’t deal with BEFORE you’re in a relationship and stick to your decision.
11)  Do not cheat on your man, this can lead to great violence toward you and injury to your self esteem. There is never a happy ending to this, if he cheats with you he’ll cheat on you. If you’re not satisfied with your man, leave. This can save your life.

These things will help keep you safe and happy, and will prevent your dad from having to kill someone…

Love you girls,
Pops

Related Posts:
11 Things I Wish My Son To Know
11 Things Observed In the Betrayal Of My Friend

Also published in Broowaha 

 12152011 

Red trails – (Poem of the cutter)

“In case you didn’t know, dead people don’t bleed. If you can bleed-see it, feel it-then you know you’re alive. It’s irrefutable, undeniable proof. Sometimes I just need a little reminder.” – Amy Efaw, After 

  

“A razor drawn, through the colors of my life

Red trails follow, enough to spite
Angles deep and narrow channel
Direct the flow, excite the annals
Now I’m left with the tint of life
Spreading quickly toward a light
I yield again to the cutting’s peace
Nothing left not even speech.” – DMW

“People always want to know what it feels like, so I’ll tell you: there’s a sting when you first slice, and then your heart speeds up when you see the blood, because you know you’ve done something you shouldn’t have, and yet you’ve gotten away with it. Then you sort of go into a trance, because it’s truly dazzling—that bright red line, like a highway route on a map that you want to follow to see where it leads. And—God—the sweet release, that’s the best way I can describe it, kind of like a balloon that’s tied to a little kid’s hand, which somehow breaks free and floats into the sky. You just know that balloon is thinking, Ha, I don’t belong to you after all; and at the same time, Do they have any idea how beautiful the view is from up here? And then the balloon remembers, after the fact, that it has a wicked fear of heights.
When reality kicks in, you grab some toilet paper or a paper towel (better than a washcloth, because the stains don’t ever come out 100 percent) and you press hard against the cut. You can feel your embarrassment; it’s a backbeat underneath your pulse. Whatever relief there was a minute ago congeals, like cold gravy, into a fist in the pit of your stomach. You literally make yourself sick, because you promised yourself last time would be the last time, and once again, you’ve let yourself down. So you hide the evidence of your weakness under layers of clothes long enough to cover the cuts, even if it’s summertime and no one is wearing jeans or long sleeves. You throw the bloody tissues into the toilet and watch the water go pink before you flush them into oblivion, and you wish it were really that easy.” – Jodi Picoult, Handle With Care

Also published in Broowaha
01042012 

Unrelenting

“The basic thing nobody asks is why do people take drugs of any sort? Why do we have these accessories to normal living to live? I mean, is there something wrong with society that’s making us so pressurized, that we cannot live without guarding ourselves against it?” – John Lennon

pow-pow

Coming in a sudden burst, forcing itself, peace a detrimental casualty
Pressure from expectation, performance under intense scrutiny

Unrelenting, the pressure builds
Unforgiving, the anger burns
Undelivered, the solace capitulates

Closing my eyes makes me a target, can’t hide from the squeeze
speaking in halted phrases, tongue on fire with words that tease

Undeniable, the pain is exquisite
Unbreakable, the vice of lies
Unchanging, the facades of players

Praying for release, the knotted feeling in my stomach grows
a fist pushing its way up my throat, agony in my neck it shows

Unprovoked, the attacks keep coming
Unstable, love’s foundations destroyed
Unanswered, questions form opinions

Where is the breaking point of my brilliant mind and tenuous sanity?
What will happen when it all falls, without conscience, no lucidity?

Unrelenting acquisition of carefully sifted fantasies 

09182012

Hour Of The Wolf – Wrestling with 3 a.m.

“Have you ever heard of the hour of the wolf? My father told me about it. It’s the time between 3:00 and 4:00 in the morning. You can’t sleep, and all you can see is the troubles and the problems and the ways that your life should’ve gone but didn’t...The wolf and I are now on a first-name basis. In times like this, my father used to take one large glass of vodka before bed. To keep the wolf away, he said. And then he would take three very small drinks of vodka, just in case she had cubs while she was waiting outside. It doesn’t work.”

americanparkour – nate

We are old adversaries, 3 a.m. and I, from my youth we’ve struggled together. Many are the battles, endured, survived. Everything is clear with nowhere to hide from my thoughts, from my past, from my heart. Lying awake at 3, reality is raw, my thoughts accusing, blaming, vindictive. Who can stand alone with 3 a.m.? Hauntings begin, things I thought were dead, coming to life. Now I call out a battle cry against this loathsome time.

“3, you sought my life, mercilessly slaying my peace, wracking my soul with dread at having to face you, again, again, and again, always there. 
Come let’s wrestle again. I’ve survived this long, now I’ll be victorious over you.”  


(She walks behind me, wrapping me in her arms and laying her head against my shoulder, the warmth from her body, comforting.) 
 
“Come, let’s contend again. I’m smiling at you, not from a drunken stupor, a drug induced high, or a crazed insanity, but from a strength born of hope.  Come 3, come and try me again.” 

(I find myself smiling contentedly at my lover. Her soft smile shows me that I make her happy, but not nearly as happy as she has made me.) 

“Come loneliness, will you wrestle with me now in this early morning? Come pain, can we contend with each other now?” 

(She whispers her love in my ear) 

“Despair, you miserable ally of 3, you have held me captive so many times, now I challenge you, armed with peace and contented love, weapons procured from Jah, my heavenly father through my lover.” 

(She calls my name from the room, her sweet soft voice, inspiring me with feelings of fulfillment) 

“Be warned 3, my strength is not of this world, enabling me with full power to run through you. You shout your threats, saying you will win at the last, but, I have tenacity, born from battles innumerable, born from long nights of war, brutal conflicts, with you.”

(I go in to her, holding my lover close, smiling, the sun peeking through the windows, a witness to the victory)

I raise my hands, and call to my friends, “Take courage, you can win over this ancient nemesis! 3 a.m. need never threaten you again.”

Related Post: Nemesis – Stalked From My Youth
Also published in Broowaha

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