alone – Opinions Of Eye

Back To Back

“You may not remember the time you let me go first.
Or the time you dropped back to tell me it wasn’t that far to go.
Or the time you waited at the crossroads for me to catch up.
You may not remember any of those, but I do and this is what I have to say to you:

Today, no matter what it takes,
we ride home together.”
― Brian Andreas, Traveling Light: Stories & Drawings for a Quiet Mind

weheartit

Back to back that’s how we started,

fighting the whole world, we never parted.

Then came new life, shafts in the quiver.

We fired them off, our crops never withered.

Along came the wolf, death he swore.

He limped and lied to get through the door.

He consumed you with his intellectual abandon,

my back now unguarded, my heart saddened.

I tried for months to retake the hallowed ground,

but you were too far gone, never to be found.

Lost and spinning, exposing my nakedness,

I struggled grimacing, my life hard pressed

Then I saw her, evil disguised as purity.

Face of an angel, a heart that wasn’t free.

I came to her with my intentions pure,

she cast one glance, it was over for sure

All the passion I wished you to use,

now you found it, she was your muse

I drove on, looking at you secretly,

asking me to stay, your nakedness I see

To late, like fire spreading on water,

she flowed freely, around all your barter

Driving on into my own peril,

she would slay me with just one arrow

Entranced by her wiles, I followed her to hell,

but my back not guarded, I swiftly fell.

Barely I survived, held under the water of pain,

my lungs bursting to breath love again

Fire scorched and burned through all my nerves,

it never went out, smoldering in the curves

Struggling to gain ground, to get back to back again,

Back to back one day, I long for my friend.

Also published in Broowaha

08072010

Alone –

“Imaginary lovers
Never turn you down
When all the others turn you away
They’re around
It’s my private pleasure
Midnight fantasy
Someone to share my
Wildest dreams with me”

– Atlanta Rhythm Section

DreamWind

I’d do anything to keep from being alone, pay any price, be used to the “nth” degree and never say a word. Being used is better than being alone but it stings knowing the object of my affection will hurt me, maim my spirit, and destroy my forward progress. Still, I follow hard after her, giving all to maintain that relationship and avoid the terrors of being alone. What compromises have I willing conceded to? What violations of my self-esteem and personal space have I allowed for unrequited affection? What tortures has my heart been through, my body feeling the wretch of emotions that sets my nerves on fire? Being addicted, not to a substance, but to a world of egocentric affection that I’ve created by taking the object of my affection and embellishing her to a fantastic degree. I should know better, I do know better. The voices of friends and family, concerned that I am “being used”, try to slap me awake. Ignoring their advice, pushing away the voice of truth, I continue to live a world that only I see. Go away you bearers of truth, you wreckers of dreams, this is my world, I will not see it in your light! I take my script and apply it haphazardly, patching up the holes in the dike containing my empty dreams. Eagerly lapping up my lack of self-control and willful delusion, the protagonist in my play continues to feed my world of facades with empty compliments, cool affections, and eyes empty of love. One day I’ll wake up and grab hold of myself, one day I’ll acknowledge this self-imposed hell, one day…but for now, I look at her and imagine how she loves me.

Also published in Broowaha

012112

No Blame –

“When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person’s body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

“All great and precious things are lonely.” ― John Steinbeck, East of Eden

society–killed–the–teenager

When I complain about being alone I have a person, an event, or self deprecating fault in mind as to the cause of this loneliness. I want to blame something. It’s because so and so left me, or my parents didn’t raise me right, or I’m so (insert self deprecating comment) that no one wants me. I’ve learned a lesson in the last few weeks as I ruminated over this and realized that there are times when it’s meant for me to be alone. There’s no one to blame, fate and divinity have ordained it. There is nothing I can do to stop it, it must be endured. I’ll be betrayed, forsaken, abandoned, used, lied about, or just plain left alone by all my friends and family. It’ll happen to me and you regardless of where we are or our social standing. Fighting against it by coercing companionship or drowning the feeling with substances or mindless activity only prolongs the agony, for unless I accept this solitary moment and let it work the work that needs to be done, I’m forestalling my personal growth, spiritually and inwardly, i.e. there are times when I need to be alone.

The flip side is -it hurts and it’s tough to persevere. I need swallow this bitter pill and go on to a more palatable existence but I’m not sure if I’m ready to accept my own advice as I struggle through the agony of each moment, plagued by tears and a deep ache in my stomach. It’s harder to live the truth than to know it.

First Published in Opinions Of Eye

A Lesson From Missing You –

“…she has the ability to hide as expertly as a sock in a washing machine. No one knows where it goes, just as no one knows where she goes, but at least when she decides to come back, we’re all here, waiting for her.” – Cecelia Ahern

Breathing in and with each rasping dry inhale I’m missing you
It burns down to the hollow of my soul.
Memories they flood in, a confusing mix. I thought I missed just you,
but I miss the many that are a part of me.
Each having a part to play, each having a part in me,
each deserving of my attention.
What will I do with these feelings? I shouldn’t,
long after only you.
I should enjoy the many
that have become a part in my life.
How can I miss only you and leave out the others
who have a part to play?
I must move on, pay my respects, but in the end
I know you’re only a part.
There yet remains a whole to be built from my life,
a whole song, a whole book,
not just a verse, or a chapter.
In this moment, I’ll breath a painful breath that it may give me
a lesson from missing you.

Also published in Lifeasahuman

Also published in Broowaha

First published in Opinionsofeye.com

02172012

Little Signs – The paranoia of betrayal –

“Fear of vikings builds castles.” – Charles Manson

Sitting at the window, you wait for the sound of me

Knowing your betrayal, you nervously wait to see.

Looking in my eyes, you seek for little signs

the lurid knowledge of forbidden times.

Searching through my things for false pretense

believing I’m like you, you’re incensed.

Take your paranoia, your imposed hell

Leave me alone, your really not well.

How is it that, you can steal away

Holding my patient love at bay?

In the end you’ll regret to see

I’ll leave you alone and take care of me.

Also published in Broowaha
Also published in Wingposse

First published in Opinions Of Eye

11242011

It’s A Long Way Back –

“The Edge… there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over.“– Hunter S. Thompson

“Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before.“ – Edgar Allan Poe

butterflist

Its a long way back from the edge of life. I knew when I followed that path to the outer limits of my experience, my emotions raw and excited with newness of knowledge and feeling, that the price for this wonder is the journey back. It’s beautiful on the way to that edge, my soul being easily amazed by pleasures which offer no sure guidance and seduce me with their passion. This excitement is the elixir of madness offered by my wayward senses to lure me beyond the wise and sure. I have recognized the most painful of these experiences are the ones that offer extreme pleasures that lead me away from safety. There are many secrets out on that cliff, many of those secrets are taught on the journey back from the precipice. Run to the edge with reckless abandon, gather your pleasures of knowledge and lust, and know, a price will be paid. I’ll see you on our way back…

Also published in Life As A Human Magazine

Also published in Broowaha citizen newspaper

Also listed on Stumbleupon

First Published in Opinionsofeye.com

12022011

No One Can See

“It’s just some instinct as old as fear: you seek the dark when you hide, you seek the light when the need to hide is gone. All the animals have it too. (“New York Blues”)”
– Cornell Woolrich, Night and Fear: A Centenary Collection of Stories

i3 – ytimg

Flee my soul into the tide

Dive my soul into the night

No one can see

Float again, soon to be

The flavor of lust again in thee

No one can see

Something beyond calling to me

To gather my strength and give esteem

No one can see

Hiding alone amongst the trees,

again I rejoice in the fallen leaves

No one can see

Flying through the depths of seas

in the caves are heavens keys

No one can see

12212010

Tear Drop

“It’s so curious: one can resist tears and ‘behave’ very well in the hardest hours of grief. But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer…and everything collapses. ” – Colette

atriptomywonderland

I’ll never be without them, they follow me everywhere, when I feel their finally gone, with vengeance they find me again, forcing themselves on me, insisting that I acknowledge them. I scarcely can resist their efforts, so enduring and persistent they’ve become. I give them place, being preeminent in my existence, being associated always with me, my companions, never to leave. I entertain them now, with some resistance, allowing them to have their way with me, to work me into submission. As I give way to them, I stand back, in my mind wondering, perhaps this is the way I must go, to walk with them and be taught by them; it’s a hard way. When joy is born, quickly they are taken from me, teasing me by allowing me to feel a moment’s respite. I go on now, taking them with me, forgive me if leave a few of them on your shoulder…

also published in Broowaha

12082011

The Music – Music brings a release

“Without music, life would be a mistake.” – Friedrich Nietzsche, Twilight of the Idols

I turned the music on today.

I let the pain work its way out and through

my heart to my eyes,

welling up with watery release

I turned the music on today.

I let the tears come rolling on in and down

my face to my lips,

tasting my salty sorrow.

I turned the music on today.

I felt all of it rolling around and across
I let myself go

from my life in this dark room.

I turned the music on today…

Also published in: Broowaha

12062011

The Fruit – Tasting the loneliness

“I can’t face losin’ ya, Riley. Yer all I got left in this world.”
That brutal honesty again. He’d peeled away more armor, and this time he’d exposed his heart.” ― Jana Oliver, Forbidden

Words from a great author and friend, I thought you, my intelligent readers, would enjoy this:

I found this fruit.

I ate from it.

It was the most beautiful thing,

To be taken in small bites,

Taste in moderation,

Because a flavor so strong could destroy you quickly.

It was so beautiful, I couldn’t keep it to myself,

I had to share.

So I found you,

and we shared it.

But then..

You stopped picking it.

You wouldn’t come by,

And I was the one left to muster a lonesome bite.

-R.S.L.S

11282011