Internal Dialogue

“Inside it felt like the hardest thing in the world. To just let go, and not pick everything to death. To just let go and enjoy what you had. To just let go and not make everybody around you miserable with your own internal dialogue. To just let go and be happy. So simple. So difficult. So terrifying.” – Laurell K. Hamilton

 

annacastrolima

 

The blind call the shots, when what’s heard isn’t seen
When I deal with me, it’s never what it seems
Though sight’s not given, still I judge the call
Crazy as it seems, when I can’t see at all

Medicating the pain, shown by blood not red
hoping to numb a shitty feeling, living in my head
Hoping desperately to find, a happy trail this way
Depression makes it hard, to get out of bed today

The movies are seen, and replayed with renewed vigor
Forever playing with, and pulling the hair trigger
Conversations bad when, the mirror won’t talk back
Only one side of me, carries on the attack

I want to sing and not cry, to take me through this time
The song I settle on, isn’t a lullaby
The mirror shuns the man and tears blur the day
The end of life it seems, points to a better way

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Trusting A Friend –

“But God doesn’t call us to be comfortable. He calls us to trust Him so completely that we are unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if He doesn’t come through.”
― Francis Chan, Crazy Love: Overwhelmed by a Relentless God

 

lovepeacexxoo

Sunshine friends, there when the sun shines but when the weather changes for the worst, they leave. Good friends are there no matter what, they stick around, they support you, they give advice that may or may not be what you want to hear. Never giving up, the strength of their arms is there for whatever you need. I know one who meets these criteria whom I’ll call Big Daddy and who others call by many names, especially – “God”. I won’t give my trust to someone until I’ve seen them in action when the crap hits the fan. If I want to trust Big Daddy, by my own definition, I should wait to see him in action. In other words, how can I know God’s a provider unless I’m in a place of lack. How can I know God’s a protector unless I need to be defended. How can I know God’s a healer unless I need healing. These things I’ve described: lack, vulnerability, and sickness were initially viewed as such severe acts that I shouldn’t have to go through them, but if that were so, how can I ever trust, especially one who I cannot see?

Trouble in our lives is necessary if we’re to know the personality of God. Here’s where I’ve seen Big Daddy work in my life. When I was molested, he saved me from death. The rapist and the molester could have killed me. As for the mental scars, which are severe, God helps me to recover with patience and love during my midnight breakdowns. When I was attacked and feared for my life from both spiritual and physical situations, God intervened time and again and let me recover from physical and psychological pain. When I was heartbroken by lost love and betrayal of friends, God stepped in to provide direction and comfort. When I was destitute, by my own hand and by the hand of circumstances, Big Daddy provided food, clothing, and housing. How did all this occur? Some instances of His help are beyond explanation, and some came by the hands of others around me.

Why did he use other people instead of just stepping in and making this or that appear out of thin air? Because in the turmoil of life my heart will harden to loathe people and hate their company. This is contrary to the family life that God wants for us. He used other people to overcome the tendency to harden myself, isolate myself, and hurt people who had nothing to do with the original problem. It’s human nature to want vengeance and exact it however we see fit. It’s God’s nature to promote family and unity both with each other and with ourselves. The end of the thing is this, in my life I’ve experienced great pain and terror and this is my testimony: Big Daddy was always there, in the deepest, darkest, lowest depths to reach out and give me love, hope, and help. Let this be your experience as well, call on Him and He will help you. The help doesn’t always appear like you may think, but it works out for your best.

First Published in Opinions of Eye

The Criminal In Me –

“When a man is denied the right to live the life he believes in, he has no choice but to become an outlaw.”  – Nelson Mandela

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Resisting impulses to do and to numb.
Trying my best just to overcome
The Criminal in Me
I’m not hard by glance, at first sight,
But only I know the plight
Of the Criminal in Me
A forlorn soul, tied to earth by pain,
Inside he seeks to make life pay,
The Criminal in Me
How many times I asked to be free
All in vain, no one can see
The Criminal in Me
Addictions to things both seen and not seen
Leaving all behind to find those things
The Criminal in Me
I look for peace but yet I must be
Not controlled but living by
The Criminal in Me.

Also published in Broowaha

First published in Opinionsofeye.com

 

12182010

Reset –

 “And falling’s just another way to fly.” ― Emilie Autumn

Once in a life, an experience will happen that leaves us utterly, breathlessly, completely reborn. Whatever it was before, the life that exists in this present is a catalytic mix of creative and destructive forces, a physical and spiritual hodgepodge of elements that are made new by their interaction. However forced together and fused…I am new. Not wholly unlike the previous, but still unknown to any who knew me before. Given that, there also breathes a creature that’s been exposed to numerous life changing events, and there my friends, is where I find myself this morning. I’ve no clue who I am, where I’m going, or how the hell I got here. The events that led to this are not important, every person has pain that no other will understand, and comparisons are irrelevant, except perhaps to understand that we all have them. I compare this experience to a free-fall, things speed by and my only concern is that I’ll forget to pull the rip cord. Sometimes I want to hasten the inevitable, sometimes I want to slow down and enjoy the ride. Right now, I’ve tucked my arms in close to my sides and faced the future. My skin ripples with wind and I’m screaming, half out of crazy release and half out of enjoyment. If you happen to see a blur, don’t worry, it’s just me and by the time you realized it, I’ll be very, very, far off.

 First published in Opinionsofeye.com

The Pain Of Being Good –

“He’s not safe, but he’s good (referring to Aslan, the Lion, in The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe)” ― C.S. Lewis 

jimmyfungus

Monotony is a life I cannot endure and like the Chinese torture of a thousand cuts, each ordinary minute, and every plain hour, is an excruciating drain of my sanity’s blood.  My brain, being calloused by experiences that nearly destroyed me, craves danger and manipulates me to destroy success to create the drama I’m addicted to. I’ve an endless thirst that cracks my tongue and mind with desire for the spiraling waters of a hurricane, a wind blown vertical rain that stings my eyes and gives me a desire for living, if only for another second. My thoughts won’t wander from survival in this storm long enough for the pain of worry and boredom to take effect. The pressure of being good, i.e free from crisis, for to long leaves me open to the tedium of thoughts that pin me beneath their weight, but when I’m fighting for survival, struggling to gasp another breath, there’s no room for the mad thinking that sickens me and drives my weary soul deep into the blackness of insanity. They push me toward the edge and as I fight to keep my ground, I’ll smile at the fight that, if only for a moment, gives me release and a reason to live…then a moment of clarity comes to me. I look outside and see a squirrel eating the seeds I laid out and a smile crosses my lips. Little things that start a new way of thinking, of living, of dying. Maybe by bringing sustenance to the world, I’ll keep my shit together and not go stark raving mad. I’m in the boot camp of recovery, and this is my training to rebuild a broken mind.

Also published in Broowaha

First published in Opinions Of Eye

Outside Night –

 “We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” – Plato

love-pray-hopee

I’m hiding in this darkness so long
That I don’t remember light.
I thought I’d open a window and see
What lives outside the night.
But on the glance of what should be hope,
I was blinded by the ray.
I never knew that light could
cause me this much pain.
But its warmth had a touch and
A sight of what could be,
I was still scared by the pain of knowing
That I really wasn’t free. 
The prison I was locked in is
A cage of my own design.
Only I could use a key of faith
One had left for me to find.
Breaking the hardened seal
of my sepulchered life,
I blinked back tears at
What’s outside night. 

Also published in Broowaha

First published in Opinions Of Eye

06262010

Crutch –

“And so, irritants, it is with this that I leave you. You are spared so that you can think of what it really is to live in a world that engenders a pain for which there is no comfort. Here is your product! You have the rest of your lives to think of this. And I suggest you think quickly, for a long life is never a guarantee.”
― Jhonen Vasquez, Johnny the Homicidal Maniac: Director’s Cut 

il-gusto-dell-orrido

No way out, that’s plain to see,

No breaks here, at least not for me

Created someone, by choices of peers

People pleasing, bad choices in years

Time is here, for the ugly plans

Another choice, to take a stand

In the mind, I thought I’d be

Options present, from a Divine We

Way is clear, two roads to home

My destiny, no guilt to own

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During the course of a man’s life there are certain actions which to him are inevitable. His nurture of violence, rejection, torment, and pain makes a repetition of this lineage probable in many areas. When the professionals look at his past and problems, they commit him to a destiny with their prognostications. Cursed with the Homicidal Triad, he carries the weight that his life is over and many others will end by his hand. Perversions visited on him time and again long to be reborn in a vain attempt at control and vengeance. He’s for all intents and purposes, a dangerous time bomb that, not a matter of “if” but “when”, will explode. He carries himself in a way that attracts the vermin and vultures of the dark life who, smelling blood, come and circle him in an ancient dance of death. They smell blood and think it a sign of weakness not knowing the he cut himself to draw them in. He does this so the ones he takes with him will be deserving of the death he brings. This way is clear and this way he will follow by virtue of having no other choice. No choice until one is taught to him by a God unseen, but heard and felt. His father told him that faith is a crutch for the weak, he now learns faith will save not only him but those he set his cross-hairs on and if not for the crutch, then the kill. Look for the choices you misfitted rejected ones, there’s a way that leads out of the darkness.

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First published in Opinionsofeye.com

03302014

My Name Is Not Pain –

“If people refuse to look at you in a new light and they can only see you for what you were, only see you for the mistakes you’ve made, if they don’t realize that you are not your mistakes, then they have to go.”

― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free 

Someone

When as a child with innocent ears

I heard my name with violent tears

Then known as a child abused

My name whispered one being used

Older and with children of mine

My name was called all the time

Years went by and then I left home

My name became as one unknown

Later in life the blooming occurred

A name of mine was an addiction slur

An old man now an ancient in days

My name is what I make it say

In a bold unwavering voice I pray

My name will never again be pain

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First published in Opinionsofeye.com

02152013

Pleasure Of Pain – An addict’s suffering

“Addictions that plague our friends, family, and neighbors bring pain, both for the user and those who try in vain to love them in spite of the torturous twists and turns of their habit. To the addict: There are no easy answers, don’t stop trying, get back up and keep on fighting.” – Healey’s First Law Of Holes: When in one, stop digging. ― Denis Healey

elements4health

Alone again in a cheap hotel room
The small TV flickering
The nasty images tempting
Putting my fate in the Pleasure of Pain

Been everywhere, feeling nothing
Trying to recover, going nowhere
On the sticky carpet falling
Putting my fate in the Pleasure of Pain

Fears from everywhere I hear
Muffled screams from the room next door
The dirty mirror reflecting
Putting my fate in the Pleasure of Pain

It’s all gone, money is low
One more call, one more go
The old a/c is struggling
Putting my fate in the Pleasure of Pain

Collapse, need to get out
Twist and turn from the pain
The phone light is blinking
Putting my fate in the Pleasure of Pain

Sounds exploding out of silence
Flinching in paranoid terror
So lonely, no one’s coming
Putting my fate in the Pleasure of Pain

This is fun? (no!) This is exciting? (tears fall)
This is what I live for? (deep sigh)
My future’s a pay by week hotel room (God…help me)
Putting my fate in the Pleasure of Pain

12152010

Stinger – Fighting doubt

“The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser men so full of doubts.” – Bertrand Russell

Tickle in my brain, flying around in there
Nettle from the wings, wings without air.

Brother to it’s flight, a needle of doubt

The sting will be sure, no way out.

I flinch from the pain, it pierces my defense

Pushing without mercy, sparing no expense

I feel the poison rush, numbing as it goes

Fiercely it corrupts, putting hope in death throes

I shake myself aware, knowing I won’t let go

To pull this ugly thing out, to stop the ebbing flow

Strength from the deep, I brace once more for pain

Doubt resurrects, it’ll keep coming back again.

Also published in Wingposse, September 2012 

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