Watching Porn – An intellectual assessment of the viewing

“Pornography is about dominance. Erotica is about mutuality.” – Gloria Steinem

It started when I was little, so little that my body scarcely knew what to do. Though guilt inflicted itself on me by nature and nurture, still I found solace in the pictures, a sense of peace and pleasure. The assuaging of my guilt, an advantage, as others commit that which intrigues me. The sordid interactions of the players on film and paper exempted me from the game of life. Watching removed me from the elements of rejection and worthlessness, instilling a pleasure that gave me sweet relief from the pain of this torturous childhood that cursed me.

The acts depicted were a reminder of those forced on me. By seeing those acts replayed by others, and gaining pleasure from the same, they gave me a sense of control over what had and would happen to me. Bodies flow and move and engage, bringing climax or a heightened sense of control as they guide their passions toward mysterious goals. Who can know what is in the heart of the one taking another sexually? Perverse and vile thoughts abound in that stormy atmosphere; refreshing rain on one hand, a lashing and punishing wind on the other. So I watch. 

Gaining a surreptitious sense of control over things done to me by the beautiful lewdness of naked and bound play things. Of great interest to me are the abnormal psychological patterns expressed in my thoughts as I see the engagement. A baton of deviation passed on from generation to generation by not so subtle players who leaving the film of their imagination, now commit those acts on the fledgling innocents, and not so innocents, in life’s journey.
 

The act of sex is not so much the goal, control is. Control and power. Control over those acts which I had no choice, power over those who have hurt me, the faces of those violators superimposed on the victim in the play. So I watch and pray that I will never commit those acts that run so vividly through my mind. So I watch. Is there a choice anymore? What drug will relieve me this way? What counseling will subdue the raging fire, the misguided but ever true passion?
 

None ever has, nor will any ever, keep these demons at bay but one, that is my God, strong and ready to hold me by the reigns and never let me go, giving me the gift of choice. I must choose wisely, the way is costly. The power of this thing is so strong, I don’t want to admit the choice. I want to give in and never whisper a prayer for forgiveness. Prayers are hard now, harder still, the choices.

Also published in Broowaha Citizen Magazine 
06192012

Imp – Making the best of your vile thoughts

“ ‘Tis better to be vile than vile esteemed,
When not to be receives reproach of being,
And the just pleasure lost, which is so deemed
Not by our feeling, but by others’ seeing.”
Welcome my dark intruder. Let me tell you about myself. An evil little imp I am, born in the refuse of evil thoughts amassed. Yawn. What awaits this beautiful horrid world today? I grow strong pushing these carts of petty human imaginations. Thinking with no care, they litter my world with debris of vacant, selfish, and wicked thoughts. The perverse thoughts are the best, they’re so malevolent. I love to share these with my friends, with glee showing those thoughts aglow with an undead life, delightful in green and yellow decomposition. I wander through your churches, finding the best pulsating cast off there. Their thoughts never disappear, though let go, they stick to the walls and ceilings of their abodes or float through the air in a stinking mist. My job, of which I am quite partial, is to pick through these thoughts. If humans could see the clutter of stinging stench bearing piles of vain and perverse thoughts they thought no one knew, perhaps they would think with more vigilance. No matter, I love them, collecting them for the fires that burn cold and brewing a thick stew that never satisfies the hungry, nor quenches the thirst of parched wayfarers. That is the end result of their foolish contemplations, dissatisfaction and endless wandering to the next exciting vanity. I take my leave now of your company, I’m pleased to make your acquaintance. Now until we meet again, go easy with those vile thoughts of yours, I grow tired of my chore (wink)! Party on my dear fellow, and be sure to let your mind get the best of you, be undisciplined with it as you like for I need a few more trinkets of pulsating collectibles to fulfill my impish delight.

Imp – Making the best of your vile thoughts

“ ‘Tis better to be vile than vile esteemed,
When not to be receives reproach of being,
And the just pleasure lost, which is so deemed
Not by our feeling, but by others’ seeing.”
Welcome my dark intruder. Let me tell you about myself. An evil little imp I am, born in the refuse of evil thoughts amassed. Yawn. What awaits this beautiful horrid world today? I grow strong pushing these carts of petty human imaginations. Thinking with no care, they litter my world with debris of vacant, selfish, and wicked thoughts. The perverse thoughts are the best, they’re so malevolent. I love to share these with my friends, with glee showing those thoughts aglow with an undead life, delightful in green and yellow decomposition. I wander through your churches, finding the best pulsating cast off there. Their thoughts never disappear, though let go, they stick to the walls and ceilings of their abodes or float through the air in a stinking mist. My job, of which I am quite partial, is to pick through these thoughts. If humans could see the clutter of stinging stench bearing piles of vain and perverse thoughts they thought no one knew, perhaps they would think with more vigilance. No matter, I love them, collecting them for the fires that burn cold and brewing a thick stew that never satisfies the hungry, nor quenches the thirst of parched wayfarers. That is the end result of their foolish contemplations, dissatisfaction and endless wandering to the next exciting vanity. I take my leave now of your company, I’m pleased to make your acquaintance. Now until we meet again, go easy with those vile thoughts of yours, I grow tired of my chore (wink)! Party on my dear fellow, and be sure to let your mind get the best of you, be undisciplined with it as you like for I need a few more trinkets of pulsating collectibles to fulfill my impish delight.