Little Signs – The paranoia of betrayal –

 “Fear of vikings builds castles.” – Charles Manson



Sitting at the window, you wait for the sound of me
Knowing your betrayal, you nervously wait to see.
Looking in my eyes, you seek for little signs
the lurid knowledge of forbidden times.
Searching through my things for false pretense
believing I’m like you, you’re incensed.
Take your paranoia, your imposed hell
Leave me alone, your really not well.
How is it that, you can steal away
Holding my patient love at bay?
In the end you’ll regret to see
I’ll leave you alone and take care of me.

Also published in Broowaha
Also published in Wingposse
First published in Opinions Of Eye

What She Thinks – An addicts inner struggle after relapse

“Knowing trees, I understand the meaning of patience. Knowing grass, I can appreciate persistence.”Hal Borland
“Permanence, perseverance and persistence in spite of all obstacles, discouragements, and impossibilities: It is this, that in all things distinguishes the strong soul from the weak. Thomas Carlyle


“I will not give up, I don’t care what I feel like, what they say, or how many times I fail, I will keep trying…” This became my mantra on nights that never seem to end.
Up all night. I’m tired but can’t sleep. I ache with fear, anxiety, wanting so badly to do good, to be a better person. Seeing the sunrise through my tears, sobs coming deep from my soul, I’m ashamed at what I did to get high. My will’s held captive to this lifestyle that I despise, and yet seek at every opportunity. Shame burns in my soul every time I fail. I overheard their comments, “she’s so cool except when she gets high.” Thieves gather around my life and seeing my weakness, they intend to rob me of what little possessions I have, my own body. Here’s my shame, I know better, I can do better, yet I fall prey to my craving and the traps they lay for me. I pray for a way out, morning after morning, failure after failure, long tortuous night after long tortuous night. I no longer enjoy getting wasted, it leaves me wanting, thirsty for more, there’s never enough to make me satisfied. There’s so many people to blame and I even blame God for the cruel things that have happened to me, time and time again. Funny how I blame and cuss the same God I call on for help when I’m scared out of my mind. Deep inside, I know that I can get out of this mess. I will be a success. Someone will love me, not just use me. I’ll stop this madness, my shame will be forgotten and my tired soul will sleep without fear. Until then I’ll keep trying and never stop getting back on my feet.


“No matter what others see, though I’m beat down on the outside, inside I refuse to give up and I will stand again.”

Also published in: Wingposse, 05-08-13



The Queen – Chapter 1 – The palace of the Queen

Her voice, a siren on the rocky shore, drew me in, to places forbidden and dangerous. The allure of the illegal, the sensual, kept me long after my defenses buckled. I saw her in the black light shadows, scantily clad, the glistening drops of sweat running down her ample chest. Seeing my hungry eyes, she turned to her pleasant task. Her back, arched cat like as she crawled to the pole, the center of her throne room. I, like an obedient subject, took my place among the ranks of worshipers. Her eyes never left mine, except when her quickened moves took her face from one side to another. Long her spell kept me there, reaching for my money, her money, till I had emptied my pockets. Then desire fated me to stand in line with her other hapless captives, to empty my account, her account. This is why I work my mundane, back breaking job, so I might see her and escape from the listless world that was mine, outside this Queen’s castle.

Related posts: The Queen,  Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10,  Part 11,, Part 12, Part 13

Also published in: Broowaha 

  Image Credit:

Self Inflicted – A young woman’s cry

The following is an entry from one of my favorite bloggers, Descending Ascension. She presents a raw and uncensored woman’s point of view of a relationship. In this entry she describes abuse and its effect on her mind. Enjoy.

I am defeated
When I let you taint my body.
When you corrupt me,
And deflower my mind.

I am surrendered,
To sins and vice,
Of human things and aspects.

And all the while you’re dragging me down,
Saying sorry for the fucking,
I only say,
“I don’t mind.”

Truth is I do, and you know it.

Such vulgar words and sentiments to escape my lips.
So why don’t you save me?
Stop me?

We’re all just prisoners of our own device.


I have never needed a drug.
My mind does more to me 
than alcohol or drugs could ever promise to.


Taken from: Descending Ascension

Saltwater of Lust

“I was always holding onto people, and they were always leaving.” 
 – Lili St. Crow, Jealousy
The following is a fictional account, don’t get all worked up over it…

Yeah, I paid you for your services, what you thought was sex. Yeah, you used all my drugs, trashed my house, and spent my money. You lay down next to me, and to your surprise, I ask, “Can you just hold me”. You left within a minute, surprised at the intimacy I required. I can get sex without paying for it, but can I get you to just hold me? No amount of money or drugs can get you to just lay here for hours, caressing me, holding me, giving me affection, helping me to feel like I’m someone special. You leave me here, alone, me and my high. I can never get high enough, drunk enough, to lose this feeling of rejection and abandonment. I need to have a woman’s touch, that thing which you hold from me, your affections. Now I must go on, with wildness fucking every woman I can get my hands on, trying in vain to quench this thirst with the salt water of lust. What a fucked up game this is, a fucked up hand I’ve been dealt, to need something that I can never get on my own, to need you. I suppose I can blame it on anything I wish, but in the end, can you just hold me?

Angel, Part 4 – Her Stripper’s Initiation

We drove through the country, past dense forests of deep green and fields of tobacco, all pasted against the bluest sky I ever saw, a backdrop to the drama about to unfold. The club was lackluster, mud stains crawling up the faded white siding, weeds growing in sparse clumps in the dirt and gravel parking lot. The tires crunched through the gravel, announcing our presence to those waiting inside. We walked in, the dark welcoming us to the wantonness concealed from the day. She interviewed quick, verbally. I knew what they wanted to see for her qualifications. Posturing up like a good sentry, my eyes narrowed to slits, not smiling at anyone, being sure to let them know this was “my” angel, I was not coy about expressing my concern. I saw several girls milling around, asking for drinks from the pitiful few customers that were scattered like debris across the club. All typical things, the only thing not typical, was the look on my angels face, and her knight, faithfully by her side.  My imagination was wild, things ugly and uncontrollable fleshing out my limited understanding. Every violent movie, crime drama, news report, every violent and perverse concoction I ever heard and saw, all weighed heavily on me. My heart, now beating with sickening thuds, girded on by bursts of adrenaline, felt ready to explode. I knew something was about to happen. The dim interior, with its moon and stars of black lights and liquor neons, and mirrors reflecting their entrancing light, created a hypnotism that affected even me. Through a slight haze of smoke, I walked through the foreboding gauntlet to the edge of the stage. Sticky carpets, a memoir of drinks spilled night after night, created a smell that was oppressive on its own. My angels eyes were wide with excitement, her innocence was obvious to all there, exciting the few mangy patrons like the smell of blood excites the pack. Feeling them undress her with their eyes, hearing them lick their lips in anticipation, fidgeting in their chairs, ordering fresh drinks for the unveiling of the new talent, my mind and heart throbbed. The sound of blood rushed through my ears accompanying  music that boomed from the speakers, both mercifully loud enough to cover the conversations whispered from hedonistic men to the objects they desired. A couple dancers, with well rehearsed moves, their eyes vacant, staring off into space, went through their sets. They were all beautiful, except for blank stare in their eyes. Finally it was my angels turn, she looked so, cute, coming onto the stage, her moves very unpracticed and hesitant. Her eyes, like doe eyes, so innocent. She pranced childlike to the front of the stage, stopped, then swaying with the music, looked me directly in the eye and began her descent. Inside I heard a voice, urgent, and by the second, louder in its instance, STOP!!! I could scarcely restrain myself, the knight, caught between doing what she wanted and trying to wrestle a way out of this most helpless of circumstances, all of me under the sword of concern, all of her on the precipice of her dream. I held her look while she peeled off her shirt, my angel, her silken skin, her glorious curves, my skin, my curves. The shirt covered her eyes on its way off to oblivion, and when it fell from her hands, falling past her gentle eyes, I watched the purity leave her. It went from her like the sun falls from the sky, she growing darker on the sunset of her innocence. I sat stunned. My angel was no longer an angel, she was something that I had never seen before, her visage marred by an unseen hand. I felt my stomach ache, a deep, growing pit forming, nausea slapping me like a bully. I knew little of what was to become of the wildness that was birthed in her that night, little of what her desire for escape would drive her too, little of what it would do to my innocence, my soul.

Also published in: Broowaha


Angel, Part 3 – The Trap Is Sprung

The days turned to nights, endless nights of ruthless passion, uninhibited pleasure. The sun, many mornings, rising on our exhausted frames. She did take me to where my wife never would, the price for this journey, never spoken. Soon, the path away from my angel, was closed altogether. At first, little signs, which looking back were not so little. Indiscretions, as I called them, finding her with other men in compromising positions. Times when she disappeared, only to be found later, somewhat tossed in her appearance. Each time, her apologies and a healthy dose of gratuitous sex, sedated my opposition to the truth. One of those long days, working to bring her trinkets of my affection, I came home and saw her, lying down, seemingly asleep, in one hand, a stash of little blue pills. It was perfectly staged, this suicide attempt. SNAP! The trap was sprung. My angel cried, told me how unhappy she was, how she had only one dream that would make her happy. That dream was for her to be a dancer. No not just a dancer, an exotic dancer. A man in my position is helpless to do anything but take care of her now, to save her, or so I thought. What did she need in this pursuit but a man to push ahead of her as she whispered which path to take? I was wholly naïve concerning the whole culture and its surrounding pitfalls and malevolent characters. But, the white knight was born, the rescuer, the one who will guide this angel through the dark and dangerous night. Little did I know that this would begin a journey through a hell deeper and hotter than I have ever imagined. How easily I slipped through the safety net of common sense and self protection, into the hold of a hell bent soul. In her lustful grip, she would, in the end, take my soul.

The Queen – Chapter 3 – Chasing the Queen

She tucked herself close to me, I covered her, encouraging her shelter. Pulling her close, my mind raced with anticipation. How will my queen reward me? Would she possibly let me be her king? How can I, plain and awkward, be a king? That would be…..I was yanked from my fantasy by her frantic tug. We walked quickly but as I turned to my familiar escape, down the lit side street to the paid parking…she pulled me down the alley, into the unknown, a dark way, a mysterious exit. It was a typical alley way by all estimations, lined part way with overflowing garbage cans, the rest lit gloomily by a couple naked bulbs, cutting out their tiny share of hope in this most miserable darkness. I hesitated for a moment, instincts alert, I should follow her, after all she was my queen. She pulled me close, looking up at me with eyes so innocent, and full of fear. I could see a tear forming in both corners of those clear beacons, everything in her so scared and, is that desire I see? Her hand, full of strength from adrenaline, and from excitement, pulled me close, she stood up straight, her cat like arch, long ago left on her stage. Her kiss was hot, intense, her tongue not shy about expressing its new found freedom. I responded like a little kid, almost as if I had never kissed before, how does one kiss his queen? Finishing her assault on my senses, she whispered words that intimated an urgency, which urgency I immediately felt when I heard the scuffled footsteps scrambling toward us. I could only see one at first, but the noise announced several more soon to appear. My queen, what have you done? It doesn’t matter to me, my thoughts now on protecting my queen and, surviving. After all, this is why I work my mundane, back breaking job, so I might protect her and escape from the listless world that was mine, outside this Queen’s castle.

Also Published in: Broowaha

Again – A journey of addiction

“I keep turning over new leaves, and spoiling them, as I used to spoil my copybooks; and I make so many beginnings there never will be an end. (Jo March)” 

Morning sun lighting the pain of hopelessness, I got messed up – again.

Ashamed to lift my eyes, chemicals course through my mind

Taking me places NO ONE should ever go – again.

Mind scrambles now, panic mode. What do I say to those who are waiting for me – again?

How can I pick up the pieces? What excuse is good enough for my failure?

Stomach hurting from the stress of seeing her cry.

From hearing the phone that rang countless times –

people who love me looking for me – again.

Gotta get some sleep now, rest and think how I can get out of this mess.

Tomorrow, I’ll make it all better. I’ll work harder, I’ll buy gifts, I’ll really pour on the charm, again

Tomorrow I’ll quit, tomorrow I’ll be fine. I’ll never do this.. Again. Again. Again.