The Pain Of Being Good –

“He’s not safe, but he’s good (referring to Aslan, the Lion, in The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe)” ― C.S. Lewis 

jimmyfungus

Monotony is a life I cannot endure and like the Chinese torture of a thousand cuts, each ordinary minute, and every plain hour, is an excruciating drain of my sanity’s blood.  My brain, being calloused by experiences that nearly destroyed me, craves danger and manipulates me to destroy success to create the drama I’m addicted to. I’ve an endless thirst that cracks my tongue and mind with desire for the spiraling waters of a hurricane, a wind blown vertical rain that stings my eyes and gives me a desire for living, if only for another second. My thoughts won’t wander from survival in this storm long enough for the pain of worry and boredom to take effect. The pressure of being good, i.e free from crisis, for to long leaves me open to the tedium of thoughts that pin me beneath their weight, but when I’m fighting for survival, struggling to gasp another breath, there’s no room for the mad thinking that sickens me and drives my weary soul deep into the blackness of insanity. They push me toward the edge and as I fight to keep my ground, I’ll smile at the fight that, if only for a moment, gives me release and a reason to live…then a moment of clarity comes to me. I look outside and see a squirrel eating the seeds I laid out and a smile crosses my lips. Little things that start a new way of thinking, of living, of dying. Maybe by bringing sustenance to the world, I’ll keep my shit together and not go stark raving mad. I’m in the boot camp of recovery, and this is my training to rebuild a broken mind.

Also published in Broowaha

First published in Opinions Of Eye

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Pleasure Of Pain – An addict’s suffering

“Addictions that plague our friends, family, and neighbors bring pain, both for the user and those who try in vain to love them in spite of the torturous twists and turns of their habit. To the addict: There are no easy answers, don’t stop trying, get back up and keep on fighting.” – Healey’s First Law Of Holes: When in one, stop digging. ― Denis Healey

elements4health

Alone again in a cheap hotel room
The small TV flickering
The nasty images tempting
Putting my fate in the Pleasure of Pain

Been everywhere, feeling nothing
Trying to recover, going nowhere
On the sticky carpet falling
Putting my fate in the Pleasure of Pain

Fears from everywhere I hear
Muffled screams from the room next door
The dirty mirror reflecting
Putting my fate in the Pleasure of Pain

It’s all gone, money is low
One more call, one more go
The old a/c is struggling
Putting my fate in the Pleasure of Pain

Collapse, need to get out
Twist and turn from the pain
The phone light is blinking
Putting my fate in the Pleasure of Pain

Sounds exploding out of silence
Flinching in paranoid terror
So lonely, no one’s coming
Putting my fate in the Pleasure of Pain

This is fun? (no!) This is exciting? (tears fall)
This is what I live for? (deep sigh)
My future’s a pay by week hotel room (God…help me)
Putting my fate in the Pleasure of Pain

12152010

Recovery is a Four Letter Word

“We often miss opportunity because it’s dressed in overalls and looks like work”
– Thomas A. Edison

 

Recovery is a four letter word. Not the cliché recovery like addicts use, but, the kind of recovery that every successful and joyful human being has to initiate on a regular basis. Having the tenacity to lay down a bad relationship and carry on, face a business mistake or failure and come back to win, publicly humiliate myself and still hold my head up high and in spite of all having a life well lived to the envy of all my naysayers. The ability to come back from the edge is indispensable to living my life with happiness and accomplishment, it’s the essence of all joy and success.  By limiting my forward advancement with past mistakes or foibles, I’ve effectively short circuited my hope, dreams, loves, and triumphs. Do yourself a favor, come back from that disappointment, failure, or relationship and try again, don’t give up…you can succeed at whatever you believe, so believe the best about yourself, and enjoy your recovery. Recovery is a four letter word, WORK. Just do it. 

Also published in Broowaha 

04182011

Born Again – Recovery from Traumatic Brain Injury

 “Recovery is hard. End of story…
I spend hours a week doing homework that isn’t for school, but for rehabilitative purposes. I am regularly pushed to my limits cognitively, emotionally, and physically…
I am always tired, I have never been more aware of my difficulties in the past two years than I am now. I work a lot with figuring out strategies to manage the results of my brain injury in a way where it makes life more manageable…
I want the frustration to stop…

Despite all of the I wants, or the I wishes, I have never been so motivated in my life to succeed. I may have difficulties, but i refuse to let it define me. I will keep trying, and keep pushing. I will never be the person I was before, I may never be a conventional normal person. But I will succeed in life. Disability or not…” – Alwaygrowing

neurosciencestuff

Born again, no, not in the religious sense. There’s a new birth forced on us from several of tumultuous life changing events. Take for example, a Traumatic Brain Injury, which hadn’t received much press until many of our veterans came back from war. Their are many hard things to process and I’ll relay them to you in a greatly condensed version. As a survivor of TBI, I’ve experienced a change in habits, personality, quirks, desires, and many things I took for granted. I’ve noticed a marked decrease in patience and strong increase in violent outbursts. It took a good long while before I was able to walk without dizziness and still feel my actions are clumsy compared to the me I knew before. Writing, speaking, events that I had great control over before (I was a public speaker and very eloquent with words and phrases) seemed out of my grasp. I struggled to actually say what I wanted to, entirely different words or ideas would come out instead. People would repeat what I just said and I responded with amazement at having said something I’d never say, and that with no recollection. Writing through the vehicle of typing was another terrific challenge, my coordination and muscle memory was out of whack and I had to learn all over.

No one explained that these things could happen and most people just walked away wagging their heads, not understanding that this wasn’t me, I was born again. Like my natural birth, I had no choice in the matter, it was given to me by fate and circumstance. I reeled for years trying to find my way back to the me I knew, and still endure hardship and misunderstanding as I struggle to learn again. This is a curse and a blessing. A curse because there are bad things that resulted from the injury (violence, clumsy, forgetful, impatience) but a blessing because now, unlike growing up, I can understand that I’m forming my new self and look at my actions with the guidance of hindsight and understanding given from self education and spiritual pursuit. Born Again, hallelujah yes, but not to a spiritual reunion with God, but to a soulful reunion with who I want to be.

If you need more information on TBI here are some links:

CDC – Traumatic Brain Injury

The Brain Injury Recovery Network

Traumatic Brain Injury Dot Com

Time for Observation- Seeing the problem

“If you know the enemy and know yourself you need not fear the results of a hundred battles.”– Sun Tzu

 “Opportunities multiply as they are seized.” – Sun Tzu
 

There are things amiss inside my mind that are revealed at different stages of life. Being sensitive to these times is crucial; it is their observation that presents the advantage. The opportunity may soon pass, leaving me to deal with the repercussions. Though it‘s uncomfortable to face a deficit of body, mind, or character, acknowledgment of it is the first step in healing and recovery. Why this happens in particular time frames is a mystery but Sun Tzu emphasized waiting for these special times in dealing with enemies. Likewise, I use this perception of the problem to gain the upper hand on habits and stubborn, painful problems. Learn about what you see, study it. Observe it, not to make judgments on it, but simply explore the parameters of the trouble. Make notes on it, listen to advice, opinions, studies, or simply examine times and places of it. Whatever your observations, they are all necessary for the fruition of victory. In all this watching, I learn about myself, and to know myself is prerequisite to victory.

09202012

Time for Observation- Seeing the problem

“If you know the enemy and know yourself you need not fear the results of a hundred battles.”– Sun Tzu

 “Opportunities multiply as they are seized.” – Sun Tzu
 

There are things amiss inside my mind that are revealed at different stages of life. Being sensitive to these times is crucial; it is their observation that presents the advantage. The opportunity may soon pass, leaving me to deal with the repercussions. Though it‘s uncomfortable to face a deficit of body, mind, or character, acknowledgment of it is the first step in healing and recovery. Why this happens in particular time frames is a mystery but Sun Tzu emphasized waiting for these special times in dealing with enemies. Likewise, I use this perception of the problem to gain the upper hand on habits and stubborn, painful problems. Learn about what you see, study it. Observe it, not to make judgments on it, but simply explore the parameters of the trouble. Make notes on it, listen to advice, opinions, studies, or simply examine times and places of it. Whatever your observations, they are all necessary for the fruition of victory. In all this watching, I learn about myself, and to know myself is prerequisite to victory.

09202012