Waiting’s Close Lover When –

“Perhaps all the dragons of our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us once beautiful and brave.”  – Rainer Maria Rilke

“Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering.” – Paulo Coelho

Dressing myself with Waiting’s robes

looking in the mirror at When

Finding thoughts that without warning

haunt and scare my lonely Then

Question the mistress Waiting, again

to the end of never, When?

Waiting she dances, holding me close

and calling her lover Then

Her music of chance and sultry moves

under the covers of patient When

A cruel lover Waiting plays with me

as I grow old with desire Then

Teasing from me my passing youth

called Waiting’s close lover When

First Published in Opinions of Eye

01182013

The Song You Hear –

 “The story of life is quicker than the wink of an eye, the story of love is hello and goodbye…until we meet again” ― Jimi Hendrix

natalul

You were ice and unmoved

by romance and its normal tune

You wanted desperation’s plea

and a new way for you to be

Tunes won’t be tamed by what you know

or by the memories that we tow

Listen and understand to see what’s real

has nothing to do with what you feel

I have shit that cuts and wounds

you endured that shit evidenced by tunes

I am hardly me and you won’t feel the glow

That this hardened me will never show

The song he’s singing is a different rhyme

The love I feel is worth more than timeLov3 m3 

First published in Opinionsofeye.com

The Music – Music brings a release

 “Without music, life would be a mistake.” – Friedrich Nietzsche, Twilight of the Idols

I turned the music on today.

I let the pain work its way out and through

my heart to my eyes,

welling up with watery release

I turned the music on today.

I let the tears come rolling on in and down

my face to my lips,

tasting my salty sorrow.

I turned the music on today.

I felt all of it rolling around and across
I let myself go

from my life in this dark room.

I turned the music on today… 

Also published in: Broowaha

12062011 

Mortal Dance – Engage the Pack

“What we think of as our sensitivity is only the higher evolution of terror in poor dumb beasts. We suffer for nothing. Our own death wish is our only real tragedy.” – Mario Puzo

itsraininguniverse

As I listen, my music carrying me away, I feel death circling. A thousand shards of ice sharp pain brings me its gifts of gray emotion. Inevitably sunrise comes, in spite of my night loving wishes. A blank stare possesses my eyes, and life leaves. Can I be dead and alive at the same time? Is this what’s wrong? Am I trying to move rigor mortised limbs? If feelings are dead, is the blood running warm and blue any life at all? It’s like nothing matters when you look over that edge. I want to peek, to glimpse at what’s beyond. Is this what predators sense? That I flirt with death and sleep restlessly for want of it? They surround my camp with fire lit eyes. I see them jumping, ducking in and out of the light, playing with me, afraid to rush in too quick. One tugs at me, yanking my leg to see if I move. I gasp, pushing away the comfort of mortality to engage the pack. It’s the fight that brings me back to life. Until then there’s no reason, but when the enemies come, that, that is why I live, only to fight. Men have ruined everything else in my life but this I control. When it’s time, I will bring death to myself, no one else will take that privilege.

Back to Love Again

“I would like to fall in love again but my only hope is that love doesn’t happen to me so often after this. I don’t want to get so used to falling in love that i get curious to experience something more extreme – whatever that may be.”

― Douglas Coupland, Life After God

 

 

 

I loved someone with a genuine love. It was not returned to me and in fact, I was spurned. I turned away, saddened by my gullibility at having opened up like I did. After a time of mulling on the lost love, I realized, I still loved that person and by having that love, I discovered things about myself that were lost to me before. I learned to dance, and, I found my gift of music that was lost for many years. So then, I ask myself, “should I look on this as a bad thing?” I say, NO! I am richer for having loved than holding myself back. Loving brings to us, the person doing the loving, an immense benefit, we are becoming like God. An old man writing about God said, “God is Love.” That being the case, if we have truly loved, we have had the opportunity to be like God. Having this experience you’ll realize that it takes a lot out of you to give true love. In doing that we return to the source, to God, who will fill us with the strength to love again and heal us from our misadventures. Don’t be afraid to love again, in this you will find meaning in life and experience your greatest purpose, to be an imitator of God.

Also published in: Broowaha

12132010

Those Thoughts Again – The ravages of shame

 “Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.” 

– Brené Brown

candylady

Shame, a burning feeling in my cheeks, in my mind, in my skin. I feel like everyone knows my mistake. I can’t believe I stooped so low; that I would‘nt listen to the voice inside that keeps me safe, (or so I thought); that I would betray myself by being in that position. It wasn’t always me. I didn’t ask for that situation or do anything wrong. But still the shame persists. A constant nagging burning feeling that makes me feel less than, less than anything. It burns through all my identities, creating a self hating monster inside of me. I can’t stop the negative thoughts about me. About how I look, about how others must see me, about how I am, about how I behave. It takes away my feeling of safety. I’m no longer comfortable in my skin. How can I forget it? It comes at me when I’m unguarded. Driving down the road, in the middle of a party, walking to my house, praying, when I’m kissing my mate, when I’m making love. It always hits me hard, the burning feeling almost taking me completely out of the game, making each breath painful. It takes all I have to stand up, to continue forward; all I have to resist the feeling of apathy, of not caring anymore about anything. If I don’t feel, I won’t have to bear the shame. But it keeps coming, never ending, in fact, it grows. Negative thoughts breed and feed off each other. Where will I hide?

God, my creator, is a hiding place for me. He can restore me, heal me, and remove my shame. My heavenly Dad, can give me the strength to hold my head high once again, without the support of drugs, alcohol, music, gangs, belongings, or anything I have unsuccessfully leaned on. I need to know that God my father, sings over me. He sings because he loves me and has created me for great things. He understands my shame. He wants me to be whole again, to live without being affected by that incident anymore. Sure the thoughts may come, but He gives strength to me, words of affirmation, and most of all, power. Power over my feelings and thoughts. Power to believe contrary to whats been said about me, by others, by myself. A chance to truly start over. A chance to breathe without heaviness. A chance to be me, rising above the ashes of shame with wings of confidence and power.

Also published in Broowaha Magazine

01092011

What I Did Last Week

“I must be a mermaid, Rango. I have no fear of depths and 

a great fear of shallow living.” – Anaïs Nin

“Live to the point of tears.” – Albert Camus  

I laughed with new friends and old. I cried with some who were sad and lonely. I spent time, energy and money to help people. I paid bills. I meditated, prayed and listened to a few sermons. I read poetry and wrote some to. I wrote essays and took photographs. I gave advice, encouraging my friends and acquaintances, giving them something to think about. I ate healthy and exercised. I listened to new music and enjoyed old. I played my guitar, wrote a song and a few new licks. I went to the beach, put my toes in the sand and myself in the water. I hiked up a mountain, stopping to hear the birds, feel the wind, and watch the grasshoppers scurry into the bending grass. I took a couple new paths in that venture, stepping out to explore my world. I gave thanks to God, my strength, and talked to my family telling them all, I love you. If I had done only half of these things my life would be hugely successful, having done them all, I am not only successful but absolutely happy and content.