I turned the music on today.
I let myself go
I loved someone with a genuine love. It was not returned to me and in fact, I was spurned. I turned away, saddened by my gullibility at having opened up like I did. After a time of mulling on the lost love, I realized, I still loved that person and by having that love, I discovered things about myself that were lost to me before. I learned to dance, and, I found my gift of music that was lost for many years. So then, I ask myself, “should I look on this as a bad thing?” I say, NO! I am richer for having loved than holding myself back. Loving brings to us, the person doing the loving, an immense benefit, we are becoming like God. An old man writing about God said, “God is Love.” That being the case, if we have truly loved, we have had the opportunity to be like God. Having this experience you’ll realize that it takes a lot out of you to give true love. In doing that we return to the source, to God, who will fill us with the strength to love again and heal us from our misadventures. Don’t be afraid to love again, in this you will find meaning in life and experience your greatest purpose, to be an imitator of God.
Shame, a burning feeling in my cheeks, in my mind, in my skin. I feel like everyone knows my mistake. I can’t believe I stooped so low; that I would‘nt listen to the voice inside that keeps me safe, (or so I thought); that I would betray myself by being in that position. It wasn’t always me. I didn’t ask for that situation or do anything wrong. But still the shame persists. A constant nagging burning feeling that makes me feel less than, less than anything. It burns through all my identities, creating a self hating monster inside of me. I can’t stop the negative thoughts about me. About how I look, about how others must see me, about how I am, about how I behave. It takes away my feeling of safety. I’m no longer comfortable in my skin. How can I forget it? It comes at me when I’m unguarded. Driving down the road, in the middle of a party, walking to my house, praying, when I’m kissing my mate, when I’m making love. It always hits me hard, the burning feeling almost taking me completely out of the game, making each breath painful. It takes all I have to stand up, to continue forward; all I have to resist the feeling of apathy, of not caring anymore about anything. If I don’t feel, I won’t have to bear the shame. But it keeps coming, never ending, in fact, it grows. Negative thoughts breed and feed off each other. Where will I hide?
God, my creator, is a hiding place for me. He can restore me, heal me, and remove my shame. My heavenly Dad, can give me the strength to hold my head high once again, without the support of drugs, alcohol, music, gangs, belongings, or anything I have unsuccessfully leaned on. I need to know that God my father, sings over me. He sings because he loves me and has created me for great things. He understands my shame. He wants me to be whole again, to live without being affected by that incident anymore. Sure the thoughts may come, but He gives strength to me, words of affirmation, and most of all, power. Power over my feelings and thoughts. Power to believe contrary to whats been said about me, by others, by myself. A chance to truly start over. A chance to breathe without heaviness. A chance to be me, rising above the ashes of shame with wings of confidence and power.
I laughed with new friends and old. I cried with some who were sad and lonely. I spent time, energy and money to help people. I paid bills. I meditated, prayed and listened to a few sermons. I read poetry and wrote some to. I wrote essays and took photographs. I gave advice, encouraging my friends and acquaintances, giving them something to think about. I ate healthy and exercised. I listened to new music and enjoyed old. I played my guitar, wrote a song and a few new licks. I went to the beach, put my toes in the sand and myself in the water. I hiked up a mountain, stopping to hear the birds, feel the wind, and watch the grasshoppers scurry into the bending grass. I took a couple new paths in that venture, stepping out to explore my world. I gave thanks to God, my strength, and talked to my family telling them all, I love you. If I had done only half of these things my life would be hugely successful, having done them all, I am not only successful but absolutely happy and content.
I watched the waves, ambiance of shush,