Pleasure Of Pain – An addict’s suffering

“Addictions that plague our friends, family, and neighbors bring pain, both for the user and those who try in vain to love them in spite of the torturous twists and turns of their habit. To the addict: There are no easy answers, don’t stop trying, get back up and keep on fighting.” – Healey’s First Law Of Holes: When in one, stop digging. ― Denis Healey

elements4health

Alone again in a cheap hotel room
The small TV flickering
The nasty images tempting
Putting my fate in the Pleasure of Pain

Been everywhere, feeling nothing
Trying to recover, going nowhere
On the sticky carpet falling
Putting my fate in the Pleasure of Pain

Fears from everywhere I hear
Muffled screams from the room next door
The dirty mirror reflecting
Putting my fate in the Pleasure of Pain

It’s all gone, money is low
One more call, one more go
The old a/c is struggling
Putting my fate in the Pleasure of Pain

Collapse, need to get out
Twist and turn from the pain
The phone light is blinking
Putting my fate in the Pleasure of Pain

Sounds exploding out of silence
Flinching in paranoid terror
So lonely, no one’s coming
Putting my fate in the Pleasure of Pain

This is fun? (no!) This is exciting? (tears fall)
This is what I live for? (deep sigh)
My future’s a pay by week hotel room (God…help me)
Putting my fate in the Pleasure of Pain

12152010

Do Unto Others

socola

Relationships are a struggle. I’m dating someone who has money, a career, and a future, and that’s important to a relationship. However, the another woman excites me physically, sex is amazing; and yet with another, I find that I’m in “love”, the feelings are hot and deep. All three things are necessary in a relationship: money, sex, and love, why can’t I have all three? Recalling the parable that says “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?” (Matthew 7:3), a flash of understanding enlightened my disillusionment. To obey this lesson, I take the measure I expect of my mate and use it to judge myself. How do I rate in these three areas? By disciplining myself and excelling in each of these categories, I’ll draw a mate who is doing likewise. Like building a bird house to attract a certain species, my example will likely attract mates doing the same. Practicing this wisdom, I laid down my magnifying glass I used to criticize my potential suitors and I looked in the mirror at the inequities in my life. By addressing my issues, I hope to one day meet another who’s doing likewise or perhaps to see clearer, that the one close to me, may already be the perfect match.

01292012
Also published in Life As A Human Magazine

 

A Question of Manhood

 “That paper–it sits there, open at the employment section. It sits there like a war, and each small advertisement is another trench for a person to dive into. To hope and fight in.” ― Markus Zusak, Fighting Ruben Wolfe
“Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.”
Dale Carnegie
 

punemployment

General malaise. That’s what the doctor said. The medical term didn’t mean a thing to me, what was important was the why?  What’s lost is a purpose, duty, and usefulness. When I lost my abilities and thereby my job, I lost more than money. My reputation took a hit, with my ego falling hard soon after, then, a darkness, like a twilight that makes it hard to see unless I look away from the object. Men commit suicide in these moments. Subtle injuries to self esteem, normally peeling away like water off the leaves, cut deeper and stay longer. My image was built and maintained by the acquisition of wealth. When money leaves, my foundation rocks and shakes leaving me unbalanced and with the lingering question, “What now?”, “What will I do?”, “What else am I good at?” People make career changes all the time, but what is my calling, mylife’s ambition? What will I be satisfied with? There are no easy answers, just a raw pain, like a burn on my soul, evidenced by the blush of shame on my cheeks as I struggle to answer the question that makes a man a man, “What do you do for a living?”

11 Things Observed In The Betrayal Of My Friend

“It was a mistake,” you said. But the cruel thing was, it felt like the mistake was mine, for trusting you.” ― David Levithan, The Lover’s Dictionary 
“He, who had done more than any human being to draw her out of the caves of her secret, folded life, now threw her down into deeper recesses of fear and doubt. The fall was greater than she had ever known, because she had ventured so far into emotion and had abandoned herself to it.”
Anaïs Nin 

Observing these things operating occasionally in my relationships is normal. However, if I see a few things happening all the time, and especially if I make excuses for the violation of these principles, it is cause for great concern. Be wise my friends…

  1. My friend will inflict emotional and/or physical pain on me, hitting me violently or insulting me. They may or may not apologize, and excuse their behavior by saying it was only a joke or they were drunk. I know something is wrong and I must pay attention to the physical interactions of my friends. Don’t ignore the little things.
  2. The friend will never have a bad thing to say to my face. I know that I am not perfect so if my friend is always eager to give praise and never criticism, it offers a cover for subterfuge.
  3. The friend will use my resources with abandon. Having no concern over the economy of my money and supplies they will waste and spend mine without a thought.
  4. Strategic placement of needs. It seems the friend is always short on resources every time I’m around them. They are in “need” all the time and in short order they will let me know that “need”, subtly mentioning it and moving on.
  5. When my friend has opportunity to defend me, such as in gossip about me, they will not, especially when it means putting themselves in harm’s way.
  6. I make excuses for my friend’s behavior. As soon as I start this I begin a selfdeception that allows them unlimited access to ruin me. Don’t ignore what they did, it shows who they are.
  7. My friend “eyeball’s” my belongings and/or my girl. Noticing it once is normal, but to keep mentioning it and/or to be caught looking at it often is a danger sign.
  8. I do nice things for them all the time. There is a limit, if I keep on with my provision it will breed an attitude of bitterness and envy as they regret that they “asked” me, “needed” me, or had to pretend so.
  9. Their attitude is flippant with me. They pass my needs on casually and my pain is treated lightly.
  10. They do things for me that they never do normally. This is setting the bait. Their behavior contradicts their normal course. They usually precede their actions with, “I don’t normally do this….” or “I shouldn’t do this”. In other words I’m going to OWE them something, whether it’s stated plainly or not, farther down the road it will be used against me.
  11. I find myself obligated by their courses of action, especially obligated to do what violates my conscience. When I feel obligated and they don’t, they can pull me into their deception, while keeping their distance. 
    We will do well to notice these things and take into account that not all are friends that make our acquaintance and some delight to do harm and see us fall.

11 Things I Wish My Son To Know – Wisdom for my son


1)     Your mind is brilliant with ideas and thoughts, use these to create and bring life or they will destroy you.

2)     Women come and go. You’ll carry them with you after you’re apart. Be wary then of whom you attach yourself to


3)     Don’t concern yourself with other people’s drama or let your life be entangled by their problems. 

4)     Some women will flirt with you while they are in a relationship. Don’t be alone with her or return the flirt, it’s a dangerous situation so gaurd yourself. 

 5)     Save money. If you don’t you’ll always be at someone’s mercy. Whatever you got to do, hold some back. 

6)     Don’t burn bridges with friends, family, or employers. You may have to travel on that road again, keep it clean. 

7)     Never let your anger determine your destiny. Some fights aren’t meant to be fought. Rage can be used against you. When faced with rage, take a moment to separate yourself and think about what your doing.

8)     You must have enemies. If you’re living in such a way as to NEVER offend anyone, you’re compromising yourself.

9)     Follow spirituality to the fullest. Find your god and spend time to develop your spirit. Herein lies the greatest strength, the greatest peace, and the most enduring love. Strength to overcome any obstacle, peace to pass through any circumstance, and love when no one stands with you

10)     Enjoy solitude. Don’t spend all your time enjoying an entourage. Learn about yourself in the solitude. Great character is forged there. Great wisdom is found there. 

11)     Surround yourself with positive people, positive things, in positive places. Your soul will feel it when you don’t, so run from the negative things that pull you down.


– With much love, 
           Pops

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Also Published in: Life As A Human Magazine


Also Published in: Broowaha, citizen newspaper

Saltwater of Lust

“I was always holding onto people, and they were always leaving.” 
 – Lili St. Crow, Jealousy
Syrkell
The following is a fictional account, don’t get all worked up over it…

Yeah, I paid you for your services, what you thought was sex. Yeah, you used all my drugs, trashed my house, and spent my money. You lay down next to me, and to your surprise, I ask, “Can you just hold me”. You left within a minute, surprised at the intimacy I required. I can get sex without paying for it, but can I get you to just hold me? No amount of money or drugs can get you to just lay here for hours, caressing me, holding me, giving me affection, helping me to feel like I’m someone special. You leave me here, alone, me and my high. I can never get high enough, drunk enough, to lose this feeling of rejection and abandonment. I need to have a woman’s touch, that thing which you hold from me, your affections. Now I must go on, with wildness fucking every woman I can get my hands on, trying in vain to quench this thirst with the salt water of lust. What a fucked up game this is, a fucked up hand I’ve been dealt, to need something that I can never get on my own, to need you. I suppose I can blame it on anything I wish, but in the end, can you just hold me?

The Stairway to Heaven is not for sale

“In the blink of an eye wealth disappears, for it will sprout wings and fly away like an eagle. ”- Proverbs
 


I believed that an abundance of possessions would make me happy. My entourage followed me around faithfully as long as the money and parties flowed. I took security in my future by how much I could stash. During these anxious moments, I felt pressured. Pursued by the need to get more, to be more, to gather and gather until my storehouse was overflowing. The more I gained, the more I obsessed over security to protect my belongings and hold on to my little corner of the world.  I started packing guns and rigging traps. Sorry man I was, now that I had all this: money, women, “friends”, pretty things and wild times, I felt burdened with the care of a shaking empire. The weight bore heavy on me, knowing that if I skipped a beat I’d lose it all. Responsibilities put their chains on me and whipped me into submission.


The pressure slowly drove me down. Finally, in an economic suicide, I began to let all these things fall through my fingers; every moment of letting go felt like razors drawn across my soul. Left with nothing, but a hurting body, tortured by abuse and late nights; I found myself there, broke, lonely, hurting, and questioning. My prayers turned from, “protect my stuff lord”, to “thank you for this beautiful day and health”. Slowly as I turned from my selfish pursuits and let my “stuff” go, I rebuilt my life. Things are returning again, however, I hold them loosely. I’m more than my belongings and my friends. This time I’m going to be successful, without the burden of having to be a success. Let go, look for those things which are above what you can see, you’ll then have riches without sorrow.


“The blessing of the Lord makes one rich and He adds no sorrow to it.” – Proverbs 

Also published in Life As A Human Magazine

video by Wes King taken from youtube: (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fS5843K79NQ)


Digger – Dig that gold

“She take my money when I’m in need
Yeah she’s a trifling friend indeed
Oh she’s a gold digger way over town
That dig’s on me” – Kanye West

Coming through my life, 
swinging that pick.

Asking for things,
dropping hints.
All I want is company,
your hard as flint.
A touch from you,
you use it.
When digging that gold,
your so resilient.