Internal Dialogue

“Inside it felt like the hardest thing in the world. To just let go, and not pick everything to death. To just let go and enjoy what you had. To just let go and not make everybody around you miserable with your own internal dialogue. To just let go and be happy. So simple. So difficult. So terrifying.” – Laurell K. Hamilton

 

annacastrolima
annacastrolima

 

The blind call the shots, when what’s heard isn’t seen
When I deal with me, it’s never what it seems
Though sight’s not given, still I judge the call
Crazy as it seems, when I can’t see at all

Medicating the pain, shown by blood not red
hoping to numb a shitty feeling, living in my head
Hoping desperately to find, a happy trail this way
Depression makes it hard, to get out of bed today

The movies are seen, and replayed with renewed vigor
Forever playing with, and pulling the hair trigger
Conversations bad when, the mirror won’t talk back
Only one side of me, carries on the attack

I want to sing and not cry, to take me through this time
The song I settle on, isn’t a lullaby
The mirror shuns the man and tears blur the day
The end of life it seems, points to a better way

Advertisements

Estranged –

“The distant soul can shake the distant friend’s soul and make the longing felt, over untold miles.” ― John Masefield

bibliophilebunny
  bibliophilebunny
Stares into the fires of what used to be
Longing for a shore on this endless sea

Then and still she rejects me

Glares into the mirror of what is to see
Glancing back just the bare image of me

Then and still she blames me

Pairs thrown into storms of life do believe
Splitting again to separate entities

Then and still she’s a part of me

First published in Opinions Of Eye

Pleasure Of Pain – An addict’s suffering

“Addictions that plague our friends, family, and neighbors bring pain, both for the user and those who try in vain to love them in spite of the torturous twists and turns of their habit. To the addict: There are no easy answers, don’t stop trying, get back up and keep on fighting.” – Healey’s First Law Of Holes: When in one, stop digging. ― Denis Healey

elements4health

Alone again in a cheap hotel room
The small TV flickering
The nasty images tempting
Putting my fate in the Pleasure of Pain

Been everywhere, feeling nothing
Trying to recover, going nowhere
On the sticky carpet falling
Putting my fate in the Pleasure of Pain

Fears from everywhere I hear
Muffled screams from the room next door
The dirty mirror reflecting
Putting my fate in the Pleasure of Pain

It’s all gone, money is low
One more call, one more go
The old a/c is struggling
Putting my fate in the Pleasure of Pain

Collapse, need to get out
Twist and turn from the pain
The phone light is blinking
Putting my fate in the Pleasure of Pain

Sounds exploding out of silence
Flinching in paranoid terror
So lonely, no one’s coming
Putting my fate in the Pleasure of Pain

This is fun? (no!) This is exciting? (tears fall)
This is what I live for? (deep sigh)
My future’s a pay by week hotel room (God…help me)
Putting my fate in the Pleasure of Pain

12152010

Skin – Yours feels good on me

Be forewarned: This is a creative application of an analogy
“The finest clothing made is a person’s own skin, but, of course, society demands something more than this.”  – Mark Twain
 
“It’s a sad man my friend who’s livin’ in his own skin and can’t stand the company.”                             – Bruce Springsteen

 

ad libitum

Pulling out my favorite skin, one of the many I’ve gathered over the course of years, I pushed one foot through, then pulling it over my head, stood up and turned around. There, now I’m complete. I looked in the mirror, this skin is tight, it doesn’t quite fit. “After all my hunting to find the perfect fit, damn.” These things change you know, in the night while your sleeping, they shrink and grow taking on their own wild destiny. It’s hard to pull out the men, the women, from their skins. I yank and tug, making little cuts to release the flesh, loving when it just falls off, but that usually meant someone else had the same idea, using it to hide, or rather, to enhance their look. My collection is extensive and ever changing. I pulled some off of religious fanatics, some from thugs, some from pretty boy hair bands. I yanked a couple off some bikers and even a lawyer couldn’t escape my scheming thievery. All skin is beautiful by virtue of hiding mine. I sit looking in the mirror at my latest acquisition. I sure look good in it, wish I could move though, it always rips when I go outside. No worries though, I’ll keep yanking and saving them and perhaps sew them together. I’ll find one that fits and works eventually. I wish they wouldn’t leave marks on me, it blows my cover when you see pieces that obviously don’t fit on me. I’ll make excuses and hold it on while I scurry to pull another skin over the unfinished parts of me.

Also Published in: Wingposse Magazine, April 2013

12202012 

My Chained Love – The neurosis of hanging on

“The scariest thought in the world is that someday I’ll wake up and realize I’ve been sleepwalking through my life: under-appreciating the people I love, making the same hurtful mistakes over and over, a slave to neuroses, fear, and the habitual.” 
bing


I carry my chain with me where ever I go. It’s a pretty chain. At least everyone thinks it should be. I take it in my hands and play with it unconsciously. I catch myself looking at it when I pass a mirror, or in a reflection on the glass. At times it chokes me, when I sleep it tangles itself around my neck and irritates me. I’m worried it will break and I’ll lose it, or someone will want it more than me and take it from me. I’ve had this chain for many years. I’d give it away, but I thought I’d miss having it. It scared me to think of the loss I would feel,  not being able to play with it, or for it to catch my eye. I don’t think a new chain would be as good, after all, how can you replace the years I’ve invested in taking care of this one? I’ll probably die with it after all….


01262011

Holy Sanctum – The Invasion

“Sometimes great power brings out the worst in us, and unfortunately, it isn’t until people are given it that we see the true shades of their character.”
Barbara Kloss, Gaia’s Secret

cuppikacke20

The malevolence is forceful, it pushes on me, 

Malicious hands covering my mouth

Tearing at the clothing of my soul, I feel his hardness

Slamming me against a battered wall of reality

Forcing me, the scarred fingers of feigned goodness,

Pulling back the hair on my sacred ground

His hand on my throat, cutting off life from my holy sanctum

Now His weight is on me, in me, pushing and pulling me

I respond with obedient, corrupted innocence

The shattered remains of my soul speak:

Why have you done this?

Related Post: Endless Sky

Also published in Broowaha Magazine

01292012

Holy Sanctum – The Invasion

“Sometimes great power brings out the worst in us, and unfortunately, it isn’t until people are given it that we see the true shades of their character.”
Barbara Kloss, Gaia’s Secret

cuppikacke20

The malevolence is forceful, it pushes on me, 

Malicious hands covering my mouth

Tearing at the clothing of my soul, I feel his hardness

Slamming me against a battered wall of reality

Forcing me, the scarred fingers of feigned goodness,

Pulling back the hair on my sacred ground

His hand on my throat, cutting off life from my holy sanctum

Now His weight is on me, in me, pushing and pulling me

I respond with obedient, corrupted innocence

The shattered remains of my soul speak:

Why have you done this?

Related Post: Endless Sky

Also published in Broowaha Magazine

01292012