Chains of Friendship – Leaving abusive relationships

“there are worse things
than being alone
but it often takes
decades to realize this
and most often when you do
it’s too late
and there’s nothing worse
than too late”
Charles Bukowski 

Ive seen a friendship that is evil in its alliance. An alliance bound with chains. Chains forged by links of loneliness, pain, heartache, and despair. Links formed by a desire to please, perceived opinions, obsession, and a mad desire for approval of the friendship. Leaving autonomy behind, approval and praise are the goal. Giving all to please, a trap is sprung that will never release individuality. Friendship gained by such means is doomed to have the pleasure of the captor satisfied at the expense of me, the captive, throughout its lifespan. Many, so many, are the tricks used to keep the prisoner under the curse. Sex, drugs, gang association, vengeance, praise, but most of all, attention. All tools of the trade for the captor. The captor, obsessed with selfish preoccupation, recognizes the weakness of me, the prisoner, now helpless in my clamor to belong. In collaboration with selfish will, cruelty soon follows; after every “beating” I crawl back making sure I haven’t ruined our friendship.  How many will suffer at the hands of a cruel friend, a cruel partner, a cruel companion?! Be free! Be free from conformity to that will, prisoner of friendship! Don’t be afraid to stand alone, to stand free, to stand apart! Break those dark chains that bind you to suffering at the hands of your friend and know that you deserve better.


12122010

The Art of Distance – Keeping your space

“It’s so stupid because all I wanted was space and now that I have it, there’s this part of me that’s achingly lonely I could die.” ― Hannah Harrington, Saving June
 
paranormalia

It is crucial that I maintain my personal space, a time and an attitude where I realize and build my independence and self actuality. This is true especially when I am confronted with painful situations: loneliness, periods of failure, and breakups that make me vulnerable to giving up my personal space in order to escape pain and discomfort. During these moments I tend to seek the path of least resistance which, generally, is pleasure rather than discomfort. To begin to find that “distance” of being without losing myself (to people or things) I start by determining that I will have to feel pain and discomfort. Having decided that, the next step is to begin to use my resources, mental, spiritual, physical, to address my place in the social and physical world. Who am I? Have I spent time to find that out? Am I doing what I normally do? Am I doing things that are increasing or decreasing my independence? Am I spending enough time alone? Am I neglecting my personal responsibilities? These questions are used to determine if I am becoming too attached to a person or thing. spending a majority of my time, energy and money pursing that person, or thing, to the exclusion of my normal responsibilities is a violation of my space. I need to find myself, be myself, do what I know to be me. I shouldn’t spend too long with any one person or thing without spending some time alone to reflect on my progress of establishing and keeping my “space”. Separating myself for a moment, mentally, physically, or both, from my circumstance can help me make an art of being distant, of being myself in spite of my passionate involvement with my environment.

11072011

An Essay of Change – Great change comes from within

In the death of a moment, there lies the birth of tomorrow
I give way this time, but in the end, no sorrow.

crestock

    
I have to clear the way for a change to take place. I have to shove off from shore, from the expected, the habitual. Push myself into the storm were I will see what I am, and better yet, become a new thing. How will I know of what I am capable of unless Im pushed to the outermost limits of my understanding and endurance, physically, mentally, and emotionally? I must embrace the cataclysm of my existence. Great man are great by passing through the vice-like press of doubt, fear, loneliness, and tragedy. Through being broken, I can be made whole, maxing out my potential. 
     
I have no way to explain that who I am now, is no where near who I was a year ago. Remnants, yes, perhaps. It is a strange knowing, a responsibility, to be made whole after so long. No more blame for the past, no more excuses. I am tethered up so high on the crux of the rock, that even if I fall from here, I will never be as far down as I was earlier in my life. Now, I set my sights ever higher. To the next summit, the next storm, I will press on.


An Essay of Change – Great change comes from within

In the death of a moment, there lies the birth of tomorrow
I give way this time, but in the end, no sorrow.

crestock

    
I have to clear the way for a change to take place. I have to shove off from shore, from the expected, the habitual. Push myself into the storm were I will see what I am, and better yet, become a new thing. How will I know of what I am capable of unless Im pushed to the outermost limits of my understanding and endurance, physically, mentally, and emotionally? I must embrace the cataclysm of my existence. Great man are great by passing through the vice-like press of doubt, fear, loneliness, and tragedy. Through being broken, I can be made whole, maxing out my potential. 
     
I have no way to explain that who I am now, is no where near who I was a year ago. Remnants, yes, perhaps. It is a strange knowing, a responsibility, to be made whole after so long. No more blame for the past, no more excuses. I am tethered up so high on the crux of the rock, that even if I fall from here, I will never be as far down as I was earlier in my life. Now, I set my sights ever higher. To the next summit, the next storm, I will press on.