The Laughter

“If we couldn’t laugh we would all go insane.” ― Robert Frost

 

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When she laughed the sound filled the rooms, spilling over into the breeze and bringing a thousand butterflies to life. I’ve heard no sound like it before, it comes from her soul, places unseen in the spirit of gentleness. Her laugh sang a lullaby that dismissed my fears and loneliness. For a moment in time, I forgot the tragedy of living and remembered the beauty of life. Of all the sounds that echo in my mind, consuming my conscience like rain on a tin roof, her laugh is my mantra of peace. I’m amazed that such joy and wholehearted happiness can exist at all, in my life not so much as a faint chuckle is heard, much less the verbal deep seated happiness of a healthy giggle. It spills over from her full cup and I wipe it up with every fiber of my being, it stains my soul with colors like a tie dyed shirt from the 60’s. I know many sounds fade, more now that I’m older, but her laugh, this I need like sunrise everyday, warming and encouraging, bringing the hope of spring and it’s little births. I curled up deeper in the covers, and a smile crept over my face, all while she laughed.

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Love In Hiding – Why is love so evasive?

“Maybe it’s just hiding somewhere. Or gone on a trip to come home. But falling in love is always a pretty crazy thing. It might appear out of the blue and just grab you. Who knows — maybe even tomorrow.” – Haruki Murakami, Sputnik Sweetheart

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Why is love so evasive? It hides behind impossibilities. Dancing around dashed hopes and crushed dreams, it laughs, seemingly immune. Attempts to force its hand are met with indifference. It scoffs at the futility of such manipulations. It can appear dead, then, resurrect itself in spite of all logical resistance. Contrary to reason, it brings to madness the mind of the genius. Delighting in the bafflement of its adversaries, it raises strong arms to show defiance of prediction. Having disarmed reason and logic it takes the journey into sweet insanity, a wandering exploration through places beyond imagination. Struck with its seduction, a mere touch becomes a fire of uncontrolled passion. A whisper transforms itself into an echo that continues long after the source had taken its leave. Having then all power held in suspension at its will, surely the proverb is true, “now abide faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.” I would have to agree, and that is the reason for love’s evasiveness – it is because it can.

Also published in Broowaha
Also published in Wingposse

10252011

After I Leave

“Of course. That’s what people do in a disordered world, a world of freedom and choice: they leave when they want. They disappear, they come back, they leave again. And you are left to pick up the pieces on your own.” ― Lauren Oliver, Requiem

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I have no game not committed to any way

Change my colors blend and go

Disappear in front of your eyes.

Blowing in the wind since I was born

Not wanted anywhere where I am

Wanted everywhere after I leave.

Flashing colors, calling my mate

In a blink I’m gone, left with the wind.

Laughed at, but changed quick

What they laughed at yesterday

Is what they desire today.

Constantly evolving, never staying in a rut

Never know what I’m going through

Have no plans, that I cant undo

and that in a hurry.

Not wanted anywhere where I am

Wanted everywhere after I leave

Also published in Broowaha

11242011 

                                             

A Hiding Place – Notes on fear and safety

“There are no ‘if’s’ in God’s world. And no places that are safer than other places. The center of His will is our only safety – let us pray that we may always know it!”
― Corrie ten Boom, The Hiding Place

Image Credit: 2sad-eyes

Safety is a relative term, as I can feel safe in places others can’t. The reverse is true as well, there are common things that cause me to feel threatened. Losing the feeling of safety is one of the effects of being the victim of a violent crime, especially a sexual assault. I despise this fear, and long for safety. Knowing better than to place my trust in a relationship, a group, a law, or even my own devices, I find that there is only one place I am completely sheltered, in the arms of my Father. When I am spending time with Him, He protects me and holds me, comforting me in my fears. There the feeling of safety is irrelevant, for in that moment I am truly safe. Who can touch me when His strong arms wrap my soul in warmth and his unending love comforts my conspiracies laden mind? Feelings of being safe will come if I discipline myself stay in that place where no man and no obscure terror can prevail. In that place I will sleep and laugh at the derision of men.

Also published in Broowaha Magazine 

02242012

My Worst Enemy – Self deprecation

“All the shitty stuff people do to themselves… it can all be the same thing, you know? Just a way to drown out your own voice. 

To kill your memories without having to kill yourself.” – Isaac Marion, Warm Bodies

Giggling, you see me. I was hiding and you found me, again. I ran but you took a short cut and found me. I yelled but you hid and wouldn’t let anyone see you. They say I’m crazy now. You always hide when I tell someone about you. You tormented me most of my life. At every turn you‘re there to talk your crap about me. Your sure to tell me what negative thing someone else is thinking about me, you won’t even give them a chance to say it first. You hurt me more than anyone I know. I finally gave up running and you found other ways to torment me. You love the chase. I partied so hard trying to get rid of you, I nearly died. I lost everything, all trying to hide from you. The times you beat me, I just cant count them. I relied on you to help me many, many times. You always let me down, and left me to my own escapes: drugs, parties, sex, and music. Damn if I could just live without you I‘d be better off. Quit talking to me, quit stealing my dreams, quit trying to make me feel guilty. Just quit it! I’m tired of you, get out of my life. But you won‘t listen, you just hide, waiting for the chance to shoot me in the foot again, then laugh as you see me trying to pick myself up. I know you well, my enemy. I know you well because you are me.

My Worst Enemy – Self deprecation

“All the shitty stuff people do to themselves… it can all be the same thing, you know? Just a way to drown out your own voice. 

To kill your memories without having to kill yourself.” – Isaac Marion, Warm Bodies

Giggling, you see me. I was hiding and you found me, again. I ran but you took a short cut and found me. I yelled but you hid and wouldn’t let anyone see you. They say I’m crazy now. You always hide when I tell someone about you. You tormented me most of my life. At every turn you‘re there to talk your crap about me. Your sure to tell me what negative thing someone else is thinking about me, you won’t even give them a chance to say it first. You hurt me more than anyone I know. I finally gave up running and you found other ways to torment me. You love the chase. I partied so hard trying to get rid of you, I nearly died. I lost everything, all trying to hide from you. The times you beat me, I just cant count them. I relied on you to help me many, many times. You always let me down, and left me to my own escapes: drugs, parties, sex, and music. Damn if I could just live without you I‘d be better off. Quit talking to me, quit stealing my dreams, quit trying to make me feel guilty. Just quit it! I’m tired of you, get out of my life. But you won‘t listen, you just hide, waiting for the chance to shoot me in the foot again, then laugh as you see me trying to pick myself up. I know you well, my enemy. I know you well because you are me.