Running On Empty

“Work hard for what you want because it won’t come to you without a fight. You have to be strong and courageous and know that you can do anything you put your mind to. If somebody puts you down or criticizes you, just keep on believing in yourself and turn it into something positive.” – Leah LaBelle

Running On Empty
fadedmapdots

 

Days pass and years go by, then I realize, I’m getting older. This isn’t a brilliant discovery but as I age, the days seem to whisper louder about my mortality and the lack of energy to do what I normally could do is most evident. If I can sense physical fatigue, what about mental fatigue? I struggle with severe mental issues (peruse my blog and you’ll see it plainly) which result in the weird trait of arguing with people who aren’t there. Not arguing with a vision, but rehearsing in my mind what was said and what I should or shouldn’t have said. I spend an hour or so cussing people out and yelling at them when they have long left the building. In the same way, I’ll rehearse an embarrassing or shameful moment over and over in my head years after the fact. These all drain away mental and emotional energy, the ability to take of the here and now. There is a finite amount of emotion and mental convolutions that I’m able to bear. After my resources are exhausted, depression rushes in to fill the void. An apathy and usually a self destructive habit looms in the setting sun of my mind and pulls me out of the thoughts and into another hellish position.

The answer? I stop when I find myself talking to someone who isn’t there, or for that matter, who doesn’t care what I think. I stop thinking about the embarrassing moments and faux pas that crowd my mind. Then I take my antidote and think about the something that doesn’t drain me, but encourages and fills me with hope, things that are wise and spiritual. Not necessarily all holy and Jesus things, but mainly wisdom and advice I’ve gleaned from searching for escapes from the insane asylum in my head. For instance, there are places and I’ll paraphrase, in the bible where God has said, “don’t be afraid of their faces or what they say, and I’ll be with you.” Instead of thinking about an insult said to me, or about how I really screwed up this or that, I think about how my Big Daddy (my affectionate term for God) is going to help me through this and give me a decent life. That’s how I’m learning to walk instead of crawl out of anguish. Peace my friends, it’ll work out for you, don’t stop trying, don’t stop believing.

Nightfall – Grip of the illicit

“I was more addicted to self destruction then to the drugs themselves … 
something very romantic about it” – Gerard Way

“Drugs are a bet with your mind.” – Jim Morrison

   

indiscreet-girl

Your legs are splayed in graphic way

Wanting to leave this world, come and play
Scoring your hits under the dark world
Flying inhibition burned in pink pearl
Reaching for your body magnificent
I’m held at bay by your habit’s descent
Changing fondled object of desire
Picking at your curves, soft skin on fire
Tears are my lover as you fade from sight
Pleasure was ours until you hid in your night

Nightfall – Grip of the illicit

“I was more addicted to self destruction then to the drugs themselves … 
something very romantic about it” – Gerard Way

“Drugs are a bet with your mind.” – Jim Morrison

   

indiscreet-girl

Your legs are splayed in graphic way

Wanting to leave this world, come and play
Scoring your hits under the dark world
Flying inhibition burned in pink pearl
Reaching for your body magnificent
I’m held at bay by your habit’s descent
Changing fondled object of desire
Picking at your curves, soft skin on fire
Tears are my lover as you fade from sight
Pleasure was ours until you hid in your night

Rut – Breaking out of habits

“Chains of habit are too light to be felt until they are too heavy to be broken.” 

When they first started, hardly a trail was seen
Many then passed, a road now gleaned
Deeper still, water they bore
Making them dangerous lore
Now I find my wheels caught still
By the ruts of habit, against my will
Pulling out is the hardest task
Harder still not falling back

 Also published in: Lifeasahuman Magazine
 Also Published in: Broowaha


Rut – Breaking out of habits

“Chains of habit are too light to be felt until they are too heavy to be broken.” 

When they first started, hardly a trail was seen
Many then passed, a road now gleaned
Deeper still, water they bore
Making them dangerous lore
Now I find my wheels caught still
By the ruts of habit, against my will
Pulling out is the hardest task
Harder still not falling back

 Also published in: Lifeasahuman Magazine
 Also Published in: Broowaha


An Essay of Change – Great change comes from within

In the death of a moment, there lies the birth of tomorrow
I give way this time, but in the end, no sorrow.

crestock

    
I have to clear the way for a change to take place. I have to shove off from shore, from the expected, the habitual. Push myself into the storm were I will see what I am, and better yet, become a new thing. How will I know of what I am capable of unless Im pushed to the outermost limits of my understanding and endurance, physically, mentally, and emotionally? I must embrace the cataclysm of my existence. Great man are great by passing through the vice-like press of doubt, fear, loneliness, and tragedy. Through being broken, I can be made whole, maxing out my potential. 
     
I have no way to explain that who I am now, is no where near who I was a year ago. Remnants, yes, perhaps. It is a strange knowing, a responsibility, to be made whole after so long. No more blame for the past, no more excuses. I am tethered up so high on the crux of the rock, that even if I fall from here, I will never be as far down as I was earlier in my life. Now, I set my sights ever higher. To the next summit, the next storm, I will press on.


An Essay of Change – Great change comes from within

In the death of a moment, there lies the birth of tomorrow
I give way this time, but in the end, no sorrow.

crestock

    
I have to clear the way for a change to take place. I have to shove off from shore, from the expected, the habitual. Push myself into the storm were I will see what I am, and better yet, become a new thing. How will I know of what I am capable of unless Im pushed to the outermost limits of my understanding and endurance, physically, mentally, and emotionally? I must embrace the cataclysm of my existence. Great man are great by passing through the vice-like press of doubt, fear, loneliness, and tragedy. Through being broken, I can be made whole, maxing out my potential. 
     
I have no way to explain that who I am now, is no where near who I was a year ago. Remnants, yes, perhaps. It is a strange knowing, a responsibility, to be made whole after so long. No more blame for the past, no more excuses. I am tethered up so high on the crux of the rock, that even if I fall from here, I will never be as far down as I was earlier in my life. Now, I set my sights ever higher. To the next summit, the next storm, I will press on.