Chains of Friendship – Leaving abusive relationships

“there are worse things
than being alone
but it often takes
decades to realize this
and most often when you do
it’s too late
and there’s nothing worse
than too late”
Charles Bukowski 

Ive seen a friendship that is evil in its alliance. An alliance bound with chains. Chains forged by links of loneliness, pain, heartache, and despair. Links formed by a desire to please, perceived opinions, obsession, and a mad desire for approval of the friendship. Leaving autonomy behind, approval and praise are the goal. Giving all to please, a trap is sprung that will never release individuality. Friendship gained by such means is doomed to have the pleasure of the captor satisfied at the expense of me, the captive, throughout its lifespan. Many, so many, are the tricks used to keep the prisoner under the curse. Sex, drugs, gang association, vengeance, praise, but most of all, attention. All tools of the trade for the captor. The captor, obsessed with selfish preoccupation, recognizes the weakness of me, the prisoner, now helpless in my clamor to belong. In collaboration with selfish will, cruelty soon follows; after every “beating” I crawl back making sure I haven’t ruined our friendship.  How many will suffer at the hands of a cruel friend, a cruel partner, a cruel companion?! Be free! Be free from conformity to that will, prisoner of friendship! Don’t be afraid to stand alone, to stand free, to stand apart! Break those dark chains that bind you to suffering at the hands of your friend and know that you deserve better.


12122010

Those Thoughts Again – The ravages of shame

 “Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.” 
candylady

Shame, a burning feeling in my cheeks, in my mind, in my skin. I feel like everyone knows my mistake. I can’t believe I stooped so low; that I wouldnt listen to the voice inside that keeps me safe, (or so I thought); that I would betray myself by being in that position. It wasn’t always me. I didn’t ask for that situation or do anything wrong. But still the shame persists. A constant nagging burning feeling that makes me feel less than, less than anything. It burns through all my identities, creating a self hating monster inside of me. I can’t stop the negative thoughts about me. About how I look, about how others must see me, about how I am, about how I behave. It takes away my feeling of safety. I’m no longer comfortable in my skin. How can I forget it? It comes at me when I’m unguarded. Driving down the road, in the middle of a party, walking to my house, praying, when I’m kissing my mate, when I’m making love. It always hits me hard, the burning feeling almost taking me completely out of the game, making each breath painful. It takes all I have to stand up, to continue forward; all I have to resist the feeling of apathy, of not caring anymore about anything. If I don’t feel, I won’t have to bear the shame. But it keeps coming, never ending, in fact, it grows. Negative thoughts breed and feed off each other. Where will I hide?


God, my creator, is a hiding place for me. He can restore me, heal me, and remove my shame. My heavenly Dad, can give me the strength to hold my head high once again, without the support of drugs, alcohol, music, gangs, belongings, or anything I have unsuccessfully leaned on. I need to know that God my father, sings over me. He sings because he loves me and has created me for great things. He understands my shame. He wants me to be whole again, to live without being affected by that incident anymore. Sure the thoughts may come, but He gives strength to me, words of affirmation, and most of all, power. Power over my feelings and thoughts. Power to believe contrary to whats been said about me, by others, by myself. A chance to truly start over. A chance to breathe without heaviness. A chance to be me, rising above the ashes of shame with wings of confidence and power.

Also published in Broowaha Magazine


01092011