Muddy Water

“Muddy water, let stand, becomes clear.”― Lao Tzu

shittypanty

I watched the muddy waters gather together in a dance of spinning debris, a mix of delights and sorrows, flotsam on turbulence pouring itself over the edge, disappearing beneath the ground, never a clue as to where it went. My face broke free from the brackish murk, gasping and gulping, air and water mixing on the palette of my soul. I’m not a fish, nor am I entirely comfortable on land, perhaps I’m an amphibian. I can switch to one or the other, and it sufficiently explains my dichotomy. When I am forced by circumstances, or emotional upheaval, to commit to one side or the other, it presents a challenge. Life is a flight or fight response for me, and continues to be in this hyper vigilant state. This is the ride I live on, my emotions are the tracks, which I leave on more than a few occasions, and I spin on waters of joy and depression, disappearing into the voids of social experience, gasping to say a few final words, does anyone hear me?

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The Battle is Me

“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.” – August Wilson

Cataclysm-x

“My hand breaks my bones

My thoughts accuse and torment

My enemy is I, armies of Me bring enmity

Against my dichotomy, my duality

Where can I go from this fate?

Where can I flee from this destiny?

Where is the peace from battles fought?

When my worst foe, is my deepest thought” – DMW

There is a struggle that exists in my mind. Unseen enemies launch terroristic attacks against my peace and tranquility. Serenity dies a martyr’s death at the hands of hooded mercenaries. These are not physical combatants, they exist only in my mind. Hiding from this warfare is not possible, the fight follows me everywhere. Making advancements at great expense to my happiness, I press against them. The end waits, the war’s final battle. There are no options, no choices, other than to persevere and prevail in the battle against me, my own worst enemy.

The Battle is Me

“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.” – August Wilson

Cataclysm-x

“My hand breaks my bones

My thoughts accuse and torment

My enemy is I, armies of Me bring enmity

Against my dichotomy, my duality

Where can I go from this fate?

Where can I flee from this destiny?

Where is the peace from battles fought?

When my worst foe, is my deepest thought” – DMW

There is a struggle that exists in my mind. Unseen enemies launch terroristic attacks against my peace and tranquility. Serenity dies a martyr’s death at the hands of hooded mercenaries. These are not physical combatants, they exist only in my mind. Hiding from this warfare is not possible, the fight follows me everywhere. Making advancements at great expense to my happiness, I press against them. The end waits, the war’s final battle. There are no options, no choices, other than to persevere and prevail in the battle against me, my own worst enemy.

So Your Confused About Me – A friends disturbing confession

 “You have a perfect right to consign us all to hell, rector, but you must allow us the choice of how we get there.“ – Angus Wilson, The Pan Book of Horror Stories

judgementalrocks

A friend of mine shared this with me:

OK, yes I am a christian. I was born again spirit filled when I was 14. I spent the next 16 years of my life in ministry. I witnessed on the street. I led a bible study in high school, even sang worship songs in the halls with my guitar. I went to Christian College to get a degree to be a missionary. I was a youth pastor, bible teacher, worship leader, and whatever else I could do to talk about Jesus. I argued with pastors, teachers, other religions. I used my intellect to force many to concede to my truths. HOWEVER, there are two worlds inside me. That world is real, but, I have a horribly stained, damaged and wild side to me that has a rage that is incomparable, a lust unquenchable, and desire to please you that will make me compromise my own identity and security. So, I can see your confused, I help you, not just to help you, but because I feel like I HAVE to. You suspect somethings up, your right. If your a woman, I will likely lust after you. I will show you love, whether or not you want it and if I’m rejected then I’ll go off in a rage and take back all I gave you. OK, so, yes, I’m not perfect. Yes, I’m strange. Yes, I’m likely to flip on a dime if you hurt me and tear your head off. I’m likely to flip on dime if you don’t hurt me and tear your head off. You see I live in extremes. I’m either extremely in love with you, or I extremely hate you and wish you dead. I’m going all the way to help you or leave you lying there. My fault, I am changing though. Here is where my Christianity helps me. You think it a great offense when I say “FUCK YOU” or get pissed and beat someone’s ass or show signs of sexual desire and you mumble how unchristian I am. What you don’t realize is that I really want to hang your body on a meat hook and strangle you with your own intestines. No, really. Do you see how christian I am now by just saying “FUCK YOU”? Don’t look at the little “wrongs” I do, realize that in my nature of extremes, the fact that its a little wrong is actually a good thing, for both of us. Moderation in all things, that is my goal. Sorry if I offend you with my duality, my dichotomy as I like to refer it. But I do care, I do believe, and I am changing for the better. So if you are confused about me, you have a right to be so. So put that in your judgmental pipe and smoke it.