Just A Look

“Women are like tricks by sleight of hand, Which, to admire, we should not understand. WILLIAM CONGREVE, Love for Love

The plainest man who pays attention to women, will sometimes succeed as well as the handsomest man who does not.” – CHARLES CALEB COLTON, Lacon

 

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The attentions of a woman make me feel alive and vibrant with power. Like a crashing wave, her look and positive glance wash over my life leave me with a feeling of satisfaction. What curse am I under? The power in her movement captivates me and stops my whole world to see her for a moment on the miraculous hinge of change, all it takes is her reaction. If she likes me, pays me some attention, then peace and excitement in abundance. If she turns away, her rejection ignites a fire, inciting a riot of feelings in my body. Though heaven call and hell reach, nothing matters but her at that moment. There’s no end to the amazing things that I’ll put my body and mind through to see her smile. Not just a special her, but the one that has stopped my heart from proceeding with its mundane tasks. Dropped to my knees, not by an amazing model, rare and fleeting, but by that woman who holds herself with such confidence and sexuality that I find a smell of desire wafting across the room to bring me to my knees. I’ve stumbled down the steep paths of self-esteem, yet to know she’s there, watching with interest, gives me the most incredible lift. This hawk takes to an empowering thermal desire and rises to heights unreachable when you, sweet woman, give me your smile.

01242013
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Unseen Damage – Abuse leaves problems, don’t ignore them

 “Be the change that you wish to see in the world.” – Mahatma Gandhi

It’s been a long time since I’ve seen someone actually change. I’m talking about a drastic, spin around, burnout, going in the other direction, change. Then I realized, the change needed to happen in me. It’s amazing how a simple change like an attitude adjustment, can affect how you see others. Now the change part, I had things I needed to change long before I realized that I needed to change them. It’s that way most of the time, in fact, if I see the need to change, I’ve already begun to live the miracle. I’ll explain in a practical example from my experience: If I’ve been the victim of a violent crime, especially a sexual crime, I HAVE something that NEEDS to be dealt with. I was affected, regardless of what I think, regardless of how I have “handled” it; it has affected me in ways I can’t even begin to imagine. I’m not saying I have “victim” mentality, only that I must realize that I’ll have damage that I’m not aware of. This damage can go unnoticed for years at times. I’ve seen numerous signs of this damage throughout my life: fear for no reason, addiction, depression, loneliness, despair, confusion, hyper vigilance, violent outbursts, and an evil foreboding whenever I’m happy. These are some of the effects and each of us may have more or less damage, but, damage none the less. To deal with this damage, talk about it with someone who has gone through it or has experience helping those who have gone through it. I’ve found spiritual pursuits to bring some relief, i.e. prayer, and church support groups. Writing and music helped me through the dark days. There are many ways to get through it, but, you must actively address the issues that have damaged you. May God give us direction in healing these wounds. Be strong my friend, we can be whole again.


My Discordant Song

“Opposition brings concord. Out of discord comes the fairest harmony.”  Heraclitus
 

I am the sum of my defects, to lay them down is to die. Changing me by forcing me to get help is forcing me to becomesomeone else. You think you can help me, or should help me. Is my deficit that annoying? Will “fixing” me make you feel better? Realize that by fixing me, your tearing me apart. I know I’m sick, I’m ill, I’m addicted. I binge, purge, use, fixate, cut, obsess, worry, and rage. I listen to voices telling me you want to change me, to make me better. Really? I don’t see the life you live as better. I see that your scared to let your weaknesses show, to claim them as your own, to know and show that they are a part of you, like every part that is acceptable and healthy. I own my diseases, they are unique, changing and evolving. Predicting my behavior is impossible, unless you give me pills that make me think like you. Or give me programs teaching me to act proper. Or follow me around pushing away the naughty deprecating things that chase me. Let me off your leash of altruism and guilt induced change. My faults, I make them work for me. They become a unique discordant song that never ends. Listen to the off-key and dragging notes, they are a symphony. Dance to my music. Youll never be bored and perhaps youll forget about trying to change me.

Also published in Broowaha Magazine

Change of Light – Following that which changes you

“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” – Wayne Dyer




Holding my hands close together, I formed a tenuous cup to hold the growing ball of light. Spreading its warmth through my body and then through the room, it grew whiter with power not of this world, nor of that, but from the synergy of conflict and need present in my heart and in the heart of the tree dwellers. My incantation wasn’t of an arcane sort, but a prayer to the assembly of clouds, gathering to see the trial of feelings. He trespassed against the royal ordinance of the reigning king, his passion and impudence seen in his actions, for his dancing and mourning vacillated all day and night through the weeks. The light now affected the countenance of all in the room, faces showing the betrayal of their minds against their self control, for in spite of themselves, a feeling of joy spread through the room like mist in the valleys of darkened forests. I released my spell with a loud clap, and with relief observed the judges and juries of my peers change with the passing seconds. My point was clear, we can all change when our environment changes. This example pressed all to note that feelings should never lead, when light, objective light, can change even the dampened sorrow and tepid happiness of our habitual thoughts. To yield control to that light which can change us, to capture control of feelings, this is where the transformation begins…

Stars, They Tell Me Of You

 “All we ever see of stars are their old photographs.” ― Alan Moore, Watchmen
 

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The stars, they tell me of you.

It isn’t you I see, I see the part of you
that has only now,
come to light.
I love the you I see now,
but you’ve changed already.
I think I know you,
but, like the stars,
you’re only a distant image 
of what
has already been.

Also published in: Broowaha 
12052011