Sanctuary

“You are my refuge, my sanctuary from everything that would harm me.”
Karen Essex,
Dracula in Love

 
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When from great heights
The fall comes and meets
When heroes are born
courage from hearts weep
With naught but hardy
Willed fate with grace
They smell the fragrance
Of victory’s place
After the battle long
Has raged in early morn
Is the grateful experience
Of sanctuaries born
A quiet in the fray
A desperate plea is found
The conquered now a victor
Standing on holy ground
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Nemesis – Stalked From My Youth –

This poem depicts the spiritual entity that from my childhood, stalks me. I know him, he knows me, and the battle continues. I have one refuge, that of prayer. Wouldn’t you pray after seeing that the enemy’s power is far greater than your own? 


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Prowling, eyes alert, glowing red’s the sign 

That what stalks me, is a spiritual kind

All it’s attentions, frothing tongue a tell
 
With growls preaching, at me from hell
 
When it comes, the dark is it’s lair,
 
No matter where I go, it finds me there
 
Words of religion, it does completely despise
 
I’m never away, from those deep red eyes.

Related Post: Hour of the Wolf – Wrestling With 3 A.M.
012412 

Time for Observation- Seeing the problem

“If you know the enemy and know yourself you need not fear the results of a hundred battles.”– Sun Tzu

 “Opportunities multiply as they are seized.” Sun Tzu
 


There are things amiss inside my mind that are revealed at different stages of life. Being sensitive to these times is crucial; it is their observation that presents the advantage. The opportunity may soon pass, leaving me to deal with the repercussions. Though its uncomfortable to face a deficit of body, mind, or character, acknowledgment of it is the first step in healing and recovery. Why this happens in particular time frames is a mystery but Sun Tzu emphasized waiting for these special times in dealing with enemies. Likewise, I use this perception of the problem to gain the upper hand on habits and stubborn, painful problems. Learn about what you see, study it. Observe it, not to make judgments on it, but simply explore the parameters of the trouble. Make notes on it, listen to advice, opinions, studies, or simply examine times and places of it. Whatever your observations, they are all necessary for the fruition of victory. In all this watching, I learn about myself, and to know myself is prerequisite to victory.


09202012

Time for Observation- Seeing the problem

“If you know the enemy and know yourself you need not fear the results of a hundred battles.”– Sun Tzu

 “Opportunities multiply as they are seized.” Sun Tzu
 


There are things amiss inside my mind that are revealed at different stages of life. Being sensitive to these times is crucial; it is their observation that presents the advantage. The opportunity may soon pass, leaving me to deal with the repercussions. Though its uncomfortable to face a deficit of body, mind, or character, acknowledgment of it is the first step in healing and recovery. Why this happens in particular time frames is a mystery but Sun Tzu emphasized waiting for these special times in dealing with enemies. Likewise, I use this perception of the problem to gain the upper hand on habits and stubborn, painful problems. Learn about what you see, study it. Observe it, not to make judgments on it, but simply explore the parameters of the trouble. Make notes on it, listen to advice, opinions, studies, or simply examine times and places of it. Whatever your observations, they are all necessary for the fruition of victory. In all this watching, I learn about myself, and to know myself is prerequisite to victory.


09202012

Clash – Fighting’s end

“Be calm in arguing; for fierceness makes error a fault, and truth discourtesy.” 

Laying down arms in this battle of wills
I relinquish my slowly ebbing joy.


Gathering the scattered detritus of battles 
long fought in ephemeral evenings light.

Closing the books on tired exercises of futility 
leaving blank covers to sleep alone.

Nothing left beyond the zero total of wasted 
love and hope in an eternities time.

Heartbreaking this clash of hell bent souls 
losing all to make their own way.

Diary of a Mad Man – Living with mental illness

“No great mind has ever existed without a touch of madness.” ― Aristotle

sagennext

They said to me, “Walk!”. My feet wouldn’t move, frozen by the accident. Appendages that are normally useful, mobile, and independent, I drag them along, taking care that I don’t injure them. The accident, as I call it, was not an accident, but a purposeful intended act, inspired by lust and hate. What they did to me I cannot tell, the acts so horrific. Regardless of the details of their brutal incursion, what I was left with is a handicap, one of the mind, not the body. Having to make do with a shredded normality, crawling through my life, instead of walking, never able to run. What was taken for granted, now became a challenge for me. While others run, leap, climb, and move about with impunity to mental mobility. I must develop new ways, ways that hurt, ways that require intense concentration, intense discipline. Still they taunt me, “get up and walk”, “why can’t you just be like the rest of us”. They can’t see I’m disabled, bound by forces that were neither chosen, nor desired, but forced on me in a cruel and harsh manner.


My injury cannot be seen, my useless legs are a shattered self-esteem, a mind crippled from ever thinking in a sane manner again. Insanity, psychosis, visions, voices, nightmares, self-deprecating thoughts, and accusations invade my every waking moment. Perceptions of reality and fantasy mix together, making the deciphering of fact and fiction a huge effort in itself. All day, every day, I roll around in a mental wheelchair, like one with paralyzed legs, committed to implements of bothersome necessity. I watch the heads wag, “Tsk, tsk. Quit being a pansy, just get up and walk”. Damn it! Can’t you see I can’t freaking walk? Can’t you see that it takes me longer to do normal things? I must make preparations for the ordinary, that which you do without an effort takes me great pains to produce, to perform, to succeed.

I’m not feeling sorry for myself, I’m a success and exceedingly happy, and in these I’ll continue, but the insensitivity of others upsets me. Refusing patience with, or acceptance of the fact, that I’m not like them. I cannot get up in the morning and be without fear, I cannot go into a crowd and relax, I cannot be in the dark. Paranoia haunts me, I sense conspiracies coming from everyone, from everything. Shame burns in me, flushing my cheeks at the least exposure of my faults or idiosyncrasies. My mind races with thousands of thoughts a minute, deep thoughts, all of them.

I ask for no special treatment, just for a bit of patience with me as you accompany me on my journey through this world. Please, not only with me, but with the many others afflicted in a like manner, be sure you understand that although the pain of mental illness is not visible, it does handicap us from doing things in a normal manner. Be patient with crazy people, we really are cool, even if it takes us awhile to work our way through the battlefields of life.

Also published in Broowaha

12282011 

Empty Victory – PTSD

“Often it isn’t the initiating trauma that creates seemingly insurmountable pain, but the lack of support after.”
S. Kelley Harrell, Gift of the Dreamtime – Reader’s Companion 
philwicklund
Bend beneath and swerve around
All my troubles utter one great sound
Pulling the tapestry of life apart
Never in silence until I depart
Standing firm under a heavy break
Looking over the edge, a fall to take
Final swings in battles won
Left to victories empty sun
Laying all down in a sleepless bed
Battle scars never leave my head