The Hand Dealt

“The less you bet, the more you lose when you win.” Bob Nastanovich 

Let’s suppose for a moment, that my life’s a poker game.

I’ve been dealt my hand, but there still remains a draw…
I often stop with the hand I’ve been dealt, ignoring
the fact that the draw could turn those cards into a winning hand. At times it’s not the cards that win, it’s the betting of the chips that changes the outcome of the game. So now I wonder, have I bet foolishly with the chips of time I’ve been given? I’ll take my cards and know this, whether with the the draw or the bet, I can win this.

The Hand Dealt

“The less you bet, the more you lose when you win.” Bob Nastanovich 

Let’s suppose for a moment, that my life’s a poker game.

I’ve been dealt my hand, but there still remains a draw…
I often stop with the hand I’ve been dealt, ignoring
the fact that the draw could turn those cards into a winning hand. At times it’s not the cards that win, it’s the betting of the chips that changes the outcome of the game. So now I wonder, have I bet foolishly with the chips of time I’ve been given? I’ll take my cards and know this, whether with the the draw or the bet, I can win this.

Dead Tree? – Appearances can be deceiving

 “A cold wind was blowing from the north, and it made the trees rustle like living things.” – George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones
 

c-4-r-n-a-g-e

The tree throws off its leaves, drawing in its energy, preparing for the battle.

It appears dead and for many months, no life appears.
But beneath the surface, vitality runs, coursing through its toughness.
Don’t be fooled by the appearance of fallen leaves,
for deep in the coldness the tree yearns. Soon
the leaves will return and I will
find shelter under the branches
of what appeared
to be, a dead
tree.

So Your Confused About Me – A friends disturbing confession

 “You have a perfect right to consign us all to hell, rector, but you must allow us the choice of how we get there.Angus Wilson, The Pan Book of Horror Stories

judgementalrocks

A friend of mine shared this with me:


OK, yes I am a christian. I was born again spirit filled when I was 14. I spent the next 16 years of my life in ministry. I witnessed on the street. I led a bible study in high school, even sang worship songs in the halls with my guitar. I went to Christian College to get a degree to be a missionary. I was a youth pastor, bible teacher, worship leader, and whatever else I could do to talk about Jesus. I argued with pastors, teachers, other religions. I used my intellect to force many to concede to my truths. HOWEVER, there are two worlds inside me. That world is real, but, I have a horribly stained, damaged and wild side to me that has a rage that is incomparable, a lust unquenchable, and desire to please you that will make me compromise my own identity and security. So, I can see your confused, I help you, not just to help you, but because I feel like I HAVE to. You suspect somethings up, your right. If your a woman, I will likely lust after you. I will show you love, whether or not you want it and if I’m rejected then I’ll go off in a rage and take back all I gave you. OK, so, yes, I’m not perfect. Yes, I’m strange. Yes, I’m likely to flip on a dime if you hurt me and tear your head off. I’m likely to flip on dime if you don’t hurt me and tear your head off. You see I live in extremes. I’m either extremely in love with you, or I extremely hate you and wish you dead. I’m going all the way to help you or leave you lying there. My fault, I am changing though. Here is where my Christianity helps me. You think it a great offense when I say “FUCK YOU” or get pissed and beat someone’s ass or show signs of sexual desire and you mumble how unchristian I am. What you don’t realize is that I really want to hang your body on a meat hook and strangle you with your own intestines. No, really. Do you see how christian I am now by just saying “FUCK YOU”? Don’t look at the little “wrongs” I do, realize that in my nature of extremes, the fact that its a little wrong is actually a good thing, for both of us. Moderation in all things, that is my goal. Sorry if I offend you with my duality, my dichotomy as I like to refer it. But I do care, I do believe, and I am changing for the better. So if you are confused about me, you have a right to be so. So put that in your judgmental pipe and smoke it. 

        

My Worst Enemy – Self deprecation

“All the shitty stuff people do to themselves… it can all be the same thing, you know? Just a way to drown out your own voice. 
To kill your memories without having to kill yourself.” – Isaac Marion, Warm Bodies

Giggling, you see me. I was hiding and you found me, again. I ran but you took a short cut and found me. I yelled but you hid and wouldn’t let anyone see you. They say I’m crazy now. You always hide when I tell someone about you. You tormented me most of my life. At every turn youre there to talk your crap about me. Your sure to tell me what negative thing someone else is thinking about me, you won’t even give them a chance to say it first. You hurt me more than anyone I know. I finally gave up running and you found other ways to torment me. You love the chase. I partied so hard trying to get rid of you, I nearly died. I lost everything, all trying to hide from you. The times you beat me, I just cant count them. I relied on you to help me many, many times. You always let me down, and left me to my own escapes: drugs, parties, sex, and music. Damn if I could just live without you Id be better off. Quit talking to me, quit stealing my dreams, quit trying to make me feel guilty. Just quit it! I’m tired of you, get out of my life. But you wont listen, you just hide, waiting for the chance to shoot me in the foot again, then laugh as you see me trying to pick myself up. I know you well, my enemy. I know you well because you are me.

My Worst Enemy – Self deprecation

“All the shitty stuff people do to themselves… it can all be the same thing, you know? Just a way to drown out your own voice. 
To kill your memories without having to kill yourself.” – Isaac Marion, Warm Bodies

Giggling, you see me. I was hiding and you found me, again. I ran but you took a short cut and found me. I yelled but you hid and wouldn’t let anyone see you. They say I’m crazy now. You always hide when I tell someone about you. You tormented me most of my life. At every turn youre there to talk your crap about me. Your sure to tell me what negative thing someone else is thinking about me, you won’t even give them a chance to say it first. You hurt me more than anyone I know. I finally gave up running and you found other ways to torment me. You love the chase. I partied so hard trying to get rid of you, I nearly died. I lost everything, all trying to hide from you. The times you beat me, I just cant count them. I relied on you to help me many, many times. You always let me down, and left me to my own escapes: drugs, parties, sex, and music. Damn if I could just live without you Id be better off. Quit talking to me, quit stealing my dreams, quit trying to make me feel guilty. Just quit it! I’m tired of you, get out of my life. But you wont listen, you just hide, waiting for the chance to shoot me in the foot again, then laugh as you see me trying to pick myself up. I know you well, my enemy. I know you well because you are me.