“Fear was no longer thrilling—just scary and everywhere. ”
– A Rattle With Death In Yosemite, Kyle Dickman
“Fear. My constant companion through my youth, one whom I delighted in tormenting and teasing. Then, I encountered Fears progeny, through which it reigns over the emotions of men, Death. After being dealt a near death dealing, if not certainly life changing, experience of a Traumatic Brain Injury. The same Fear, now held a different power, a power given it by myself. My experience with life can now be explained by this quote “Fear was no longer thrilling—just scary and everywhere.” – A Rattle With Death In Yosemite, Kyle Dickman.
My fight to regain self, intelligence, belief, and sense of safety became a daily if not hourly battle. Everything was magnified by my mind to be a “flight or fight”, “life or death” experience. This meant, hyper-vigilance, on guard for the next attack. Not patient with any perceived threat, I magnified the innocent comments of people, the common occurrences of life to the point where I railed against them and actively fought with anger and violence, whether verbal or physical, I would push back against all comers. I still fight, though a little calmer now, mainly through constant help from my God and my wonderful woman, and I find that I can relax, even if its just a little, and let what will happen, happen. I cannot control life, I must accept death (not just death but a possibility of dependence on others for support, a huge blow to my ego) and uncertainty. I must LIVE and find JOY from the now, where I do breathe and walk on my own. I have survived, and there will come a time I will die, or be incapacitated. But let it be, let it be.