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Everyday starts with prayer, or some spiritual exercise. This helps me to believe that someone is watching out for me, that this will never happen again. My only sense of safety comes from this activity. I’m constantly on guard, so sometimes I’ll put myself in a dangerous situation just to say “Fuck you” to the attackers and assaults. Inside I’m scared as hell, but I won’t let fear hold me back. I really don’t care if die now, they took everything they could take, and I live my life like I have nothing to lose. I have to sleep with the light on, and make sure all the doors and windows are locked, sometimes checking them a few times. I don’t like big homes, I’ve got to see most of the house at a glance. I prefer living on the second story (or higher), so the window can’t be easily crawled through. I like being in block or brick apartments so I can’t be shot through the walls. I watch every face to see signs of aggression. When I see it, or sense it, I get violent inside. I don’t want to run, I want to fight. If you scare me, on purpose or otherwise, I’ll probably hit you and ask questions later. I don’t know what perversion of nature has occurred to my sexuality, but those things which happened to me, I seem to find a liking to, with the exception of hurting someone. Then, there is the crying. I cry at the drop of a hat, on commercials, songs, movies, sometimes for no reason. I’m perpetually fighting negative thoughts of my body and personality.
All these things I live with daily. I’ve gone to counseling, God knows how many hours I’ve spilled my guts to some stranger, looking for answers that never come. To summarize, I’ve changed from the experience. I will never be the same. I accept these symptoms and behaviors as normal. I try to understand that most of the feelings of paranoia and danger are in my head. People are good and not all evil, though I struggle with that thought, I see evil in most intentions. I try to believe that I have a future, that I’m important and worthy of a good life. Most of all I enjoy my life. I take chances I’m scared to take, and I have the best revenge, that of a life well lived.